All The Things You Are
by Done Gone Died On Us
Summary: wip; Harry is only recently concieved, and finds himself a bastard.Penname changed to avoid Mafia.
1. Promised Kiss of Springtime

It was time to write the letter, she decided. Time to tell him how she felt.  
  
She had been feeling like this for a while now, and it bothered her to no end. She couldn't stop staring at him in the hallways, changing her route, being just five minutes late to class, just so she could follow him. She never expected to feel like this. Petunia advised her that if she confessed the truth, everything would be well and good. She hoped her sister was right.  
  
Last night a letter had arrived by owl post. Her sister rarely used owl, but it arrived, in her handwriting, nonetheless. She couldn't enchant it, for she was muggle, so what other explanation was there? She had been adopted, that's what. Pet was seventeen. In just about eight months, she would go off on her own, but until then, she had to be in someone's custody. The orphanage was being demolished, and the nearest was about eighty miles away, way in Surrey. Being so acquainted with so many people, one of her close friends' parents had offered to adopt her "officially" just until she married or turned eighteen. Her close friend just happened to be her long-time fiancé. Lily couldn't understand how long "long-time" was, for they were both only seventeen after all.  
  
As overjoyed as she was about her sister being adopted, she was even happier that she did not have to go back to that dump. Dumbledore had taken custody of her, and he would accommodate her until her last year at Hogwarts. For the period from whence she graduated from Hogwarts to her eighteenth birthday in September, she would be living in Spain, with her crush and his family, as well as her guardian. Things could get no better. Except if she had real parents, and Voldemort suffered a horrifically gory demise by her hands. Of course, one could not have everything.  
  
So she grabbed her parchment, sand, and sun, and Carnival a flurry of thoughts in her head, and rushed down to the Common Room. She had never been out of England (unless visiting a deceased uncle's colleague in Edinburgh counted) and though she was knowledgeable, her view of the West was nothing short of distorted.  
  
There sat the legendary Gryffindor boys, and in the center, the King himself. He looked at her dubiously and quickly turned away. Lily watched him intently; the way he folded his bottom lips with this left hand, drummed his fingers on the back of his foot, and talked in that distracted way.  
  
Her mind carried her to distant levels of her imagination. The feelings that accompanied her venture were so disgustingly forbidding that she immediately reprimanded herself and jumped out of the deep reverie. Sirius Black, his chess partner shot her a suspicious look. She glared at him and turned back to her previous target. Black whispered something and stood up, and this time, so did the two other boys.  
  
Lily gathered her clean parchment and unused quillpen and rushed out of the portrait hole. She noticed that the boys were walking faster and quickened her pace. She ran to the Prefect's Bath, which only she and her beloved yet knew the password to. It was only the first week, and they hadn't had their first prefects meeting. They were in charge of passwords, just herself and him. She sighed inwardly and began to run as the three boys began giggling. Obviously about how ugly or smelly she was. When she reached the mermaid, she mumbled the password and ran inside. She was safe.  
  
She imagined, her dear James Potter walking inside, and embracing her. Embracing her! She imagined to her heart's content.  
  
"Hey stranger," she would greet him. He would kiss her shyly in response and speak to her.  
  
"What did I miss today in Potions? How many times did you kick Professor Rosier's ass?" he would ask her.  
  
They would talk for hours, holding their hands tight. He loved Lily Evans; they were best friends. And when they spoke, it was just them in this world; No Petunia, no parents, no worries, just them. James would love her like he never had anyone else. And she likewise. Another curious thing was her eyes- they would be brown, and her hair would match her eyes. James liked her brown hair and brown eyes, because they were like his mother's.  
  
She would meet his mother personally. In Brazil. Being a foreign diplomat, Mrs. Potter had many connections. She knew many people, like Petunia. She would introduce Lily as "Ms. Evans, her son's prestigious fiancé."  
  
The extremely youthful and young Spanish diplomat would bubble over with curiosity. He admired her, as did everyone else. "Quienes tus padres?" He would ask her, and she would answer, "Queen Elizabeth. I am an orphan, of course, but I'm sure you know who she is?" Then, he would ask her to marry him. She would refuse politely. She was very much in love with James Potter, and he meant too much to break off things for even the King. Of course, he was her father, how could that be? She would laugh gaily and invite him to the Palace for tea. She would promise to come to Spain for her last summer at Hogwarts. That's why she was going to Spain, not because of some old man's charity like so many other unfortunate girls her age.  
  
"H-Hey!"  
  
What was that noise?  
  
"Hey, redhead!"  
  
There it was again. Lily craned her neck behind her, to the door. There were the three boys, and James Potter leading them. He smiled at her warmly. Her heart pounded in her chest, and intense fear made its way to her throat.  
  
"What do you want," she asked. She couldn't believe that it was she with the horribly mean tone of voice. Potter's expression quickly changed into one of surprise.  
  
"Why did you run away?"  
  
"What business is it of yours, I can go wherever I please, thank you very much!"  
  
"Well then, why were you staring at him in the common room?" the pudgy little boy said. She crinkled her nose and replied.  
  
"I was simply following the chess game. Now get out before I beat you all into a pulp." To her surprise, James Potter took off his glasses and challenged her. "First one to lose conciousness owes a galleon or an explanation. No rules."  
  
In that moment of indecision all that Lily felt was deep anguish, for herself or her ruined chance at friendship she didn't know, but in her anger she jumped on him.  
  
Potter was an amazingly skilled fighter. She didn't imagine all of this, but there it was, an added bonus!  
  
When she rushed at him, he didn't hesitate for a second, and pinned her hand behind her back. After fourteen years at a cheap muggle orphanage, Lily wasn't quite so bad herself. She elbowed him in the ribs, and saw that Remus Lupin took a step forward. Something cracked in her other hand as he pushed her and they both fell to the floor. A searing pain shot through her bad arm where Potter fell on her. She kicked upward and hit him between the legs, and he whimpered for a second.  
  
At this point tears started pouring out of her eyes for no reason at all. She had a deep sadness in her heart. She furiously wiped her face and pushed him off of her. He tripped on the hem of her torn robe and fell on his back. She pounced on him, her nose running and hair askew and punched whatever part of him she could find with her left hand. She imagined herself making out with him, and all that affection that she had pent up within her: for him, for her sister and parents who had abandoned her, she pulled together all of it and fueled her anger.  
  
James doubled over in pain, amazed that such a petite girl could fight so well. But soon, he sensed her punches getting weaker and weaker until they stopped altogether, and he found that he still hadn't passed out. He couldn't lose, he decided, and took advantage of her moment of weakness.  
  
He bit the flesh that was nearest to him, just on her neck and smelled the peachy scent of her shampoo in her hair. There was blood on his lips, and it was salty-not just hers, but his own as well. Her fist connected once more with his eye, and his vision blurred. She was winning. He suddenly remembered a trick his brother had taught him and pinched her on one of her crucial nerves. She passed out instantly, and fell over on top of him. Unknowingly, he tried to stand up, but her weight together with his physical condition caused him to black out as well.  
  
****  
  
"Well, it's nice to see that the King of Hogwarts has landed himself in the Hospital Wing once more, eh?" "Why are you here, Malfoy, just spit it out." The tall figure of the aristocratic Lucius Malfoy peeped out in its full magnificence from behind the Infirmary Door.  
  
"No respect for our elders, I am certainly shocked," he said. He had a spiteful smirk on his young face, and as he spoke, it did not disappear giving him an evil, almost maniacal expression. "The side of darkness brings you news. It is at the peak of its power, and I warn you, this is not the time to rejoice in the small battles. Inform your masters that to try to save the world from the power of the Darkness, when they hold so much unharnessed power, can bring about its own demise." With a pop, he disappeared, and James instantly wondered what the hell was happening. They couldn't disapparate on grounds.  
  
"Alright Mr. Potter," he heard Madame Pomfrey's lulling voice, and opened his eyes, not realizing that he closed them again in his contemplation, "And Miss Evans, time for Breakfast!" she finished with a flourish, spinning around before she flicked her wand to set the meals on the respective beds. Who was Miss Evans? Suddenly, he remembered, when he looked at her green eyes. She was the one that landed him here.  
  
"Hullo," he said peaceably to her. She smiled, but her eyes were cold. He had the impression that she was just doing it to please Pomfrey. Indeed it succeeded. She stared at the two teenagers.  
  
"I don't understand why you were in such a great brawl when you act so amiable towards each other," she sighed rhetorically, "You may go back to your Commons before classes, it's barely seven. I give you the option to stay here or take a walk, the cold air will do you good, but the Fat Lady is still asleep, I think." Both decided that anything was better than the bleak Infirmary, and set off. James grabbed his things (that Sirius had brought for him) and Lily stared at him for a while before walking out herself.  
  
Lily set off in the direction of the Head Tower, and gave not a second thought to James, who had mysteriously disappeared under something he took out from his bag. Of course he had an invisibility cloak, she thought wryly, and chuckled. James turned to look at her for a second, wondering if she was crazy, then resumed his "walk," vowing to stay out of her way forever. Had he been able to see the future, he would see that it was impossible. In both senses of the word.  
  
Lily, who had rushed to the Head Tower, found the familiar room with ease. It was draped with yellow everywhere and occasionally, when she came to study or reflect, she would notice beavers flitting about the wall. Very few knew about this room, but the Head Students. She had been friends with the boy that graduated last year, who was the Head Girl's intended, and he showed it to her when they (he and Lily) used to date. He was her first, in more ways than one, way back in first or second year. Ironic that she couldn't even remember the ordeal. He dumped her as soon as he got what he wanted, and Lily wondered about this every time she came into the room. She never would have guessed that a Hufflepuff would not be so cruel, but soon learned that men were men, and it was so true that all was fair in love and war. She just wished that it wasn't so literal in its meaning.  
  
It was true that very few knew about this room, but only one knew about the secret passage it held. She waited for the camouflaged yellow beaver that peeped out from the floorboard that met the furthest wall from the entrance. It was a heptagonal room, and there was only one pointy corner. When the beaver came, she said something to it that was barely discernable, and walked through the wall. To anyone else it may have looked like she was walking through the wall, and that was hardly a sight to be seen in the wizarding world. Anyone of ability could cast an exit spell and walk through to anything that led outside: unless there was a location on the other side, a place that was different from what was within the walls through which the caster walked, which in this case, there definitely was. Hogsmeade.  
  
There were five passages to Hogsmeade from Hogwarts. Of course, we know three: The one-eyed witch that opened to the Dissendius spell, The Whomping Willow, Helga's Holding, and the two others: The one through the Chamber of Secrets that led out in the caves at the edge of Hogsmeade that no one had ever seen and survived but Salazar himself, and the last.was yet to be discovered.  
  
Each entrance was made by a house leader, and the Whomping Willow was planted by Dumbledore, making him a part of Hogwarts History that he knew nothing of. The Holding was made by Helga for her best friend Rowena-a study room in tribute to her great deeds when she passed. The one-eyed witch was made by Ravenclaw for Godric-who loved Butterbeer more than life itself. Slytherin, of course, made the passage down in the Chamber. No one yet had found Gryffindor's passage.  
  
When Lily walked through the secret door in the Holding, she ended up in the alleyway between Dress-Robe shop and the gift shop on Dervish and Banges. To her surprise, someone was there waiting for her already.  
  
"James Potter, what are you doing here?" she asked, clearly surprised. He jumped and looked at her.  
  
"What are you doing here? I thought I was the only one that knew about this passage. You scared me!" he said, and Lily stifled a laugh at his distressed voice. "What are you smiling about?!" he sputtered.  
  
"I can't smile?"  
  
He looked at her thoughtfully for a second, and opened his mouth to speak. Lily abruptly silenced him, holding up her hand imperiously.  
  
"No, I will not walk with you, I will never tell you anything about Myra because I know you have a crush on her, We will never, ever, become great friends, or even brief acquaintances, and when we end this conversation, I hope to pretend that I never talked to you, and never knew you." She noticed his incredulous expression, but went on.  
  
"I don't like you. I don't like your friends. You don't know me, and I don't want you to, because I know what that involves. Pain. For me, not you because you only want me for two reasons: information, and sex. I will give you neither," she would have gone on, but James gave a loud bellowing laugh.  
  
"Sex? From you? Who landed me in the Hospital Wing for an entire two nights and two days? Oh believe me, I'm no idiot." Lily couldn't help but crack a smile. James studied her for a second and took hold of her arm. "Come with me," he said, "I'd like to show you something." Lily followed, amazingly, and cursed herself in her mind.  
  
He led her to Honeydukes, but did not go inside. Lily's heart pounded, did he know? When her feelings for James began, in fourth year, she (in a burst of creative genius) drew a mural under the trapdoor that was the end of the secret passage. Of course he would know, she reprimanded herself, they were the legendary pranksters! The Marauders!  
  
"I don't want to be here, Potter. I don't care what you have to show me," she said. He turned his astonished eyes to her.  
  
"Was it you?" he asked. She didn't answer, but something in her eyes seemed to confirm it for James.  
  
"It's beautiful." He smiled at her, and soon Lily felt that familiar feeling-all her insides dancing to some unknown tune. She broke free of his grasp and ran away, hoping for the second time that day that she would never see him again.  
  
And they never talked to each other personally. He would give her a small smile sometimes in classes, or at meals, but otherwise, he stayed out of her way, and she stayed out of his. They never had to talk until they became Head Students, two years later. James was still going out with Myra, but his thoughts were constantly on someone else.  
  
The days were painfully long for both of them, but Lily too had changed by then. She was always tutoring some first year, or helping McGonagall or the Potions Master, or even Dumbledore. Since she knew the teachers so well, and was so nice to everyone, so people from all houses and years (even Slytherins) would come to ask her favors, help with homework, or advice. In sixth year, Dumbledore even considered her as a Head Girl candidate. Her problem had not been in her grades-prefects were also supposed to help others, and hold leadership positions. Now that that problem was solved, and she was very outgoing in everything, why should she not be Head Girl?  
  
Since James found out that she was the one that drew the mural, he began to develop some feelings for her, very similar to those that she had for him. She was so.different. Unique. But he thought, depressed, she vowed never to talk to him. Here was one thing his status couldn't get for him. Little did he know that that was exactly what would do the trick. It was time to go to King's Cross Station. He gathered his trunk and belongings, hastily bracing himself for his final year of schooling. 


	2. Lonely Winter

She was obviously early. She sighed, and sat down on the bench to wait for the train. The only others there were the Marauders and the rest of the prefects. She certainly didn't.wait, was James Potter coming up to her?  
  
"Hullo," he said cheerfully. He sat next to her on the bench and she moved over self-consciously.  
  
"What's wrong," he asked. She turned to his mild face and replied, "I thought we agreed."  
  
"Come on, now, I want to make a fresh start." She looked at him intently, hoping to judge his sincerity. His eyes were surprisingly sad, and he was fumbling with his nails like he was nervous.  
  
"What do you want, Potter?"  
  
"Why do you always think I want something?"  
  
"Because you do, don't you?"  
  
He gave a guilty smile and nodded. "I want you to sit with us in the compartment," he said. He gestured to the three Marauders who were staring at her hopefully.  
  
"Why?" she asked. What were they up to? James seemed to ignore her question. He turned his eyes away from her and up at the Hogwarts Express, which was approaching. The Marauders and the prefects gathered their things and boarded the train, getting hold of the best compartments. Lily stood, as if to go too, but James gently pulled her back down.  
  
"I've been thinking about you," he answered earnestly. Lily laughed disbelievingly. She shook her head and heaved her trunk in with the rest. She was still chuckling to herself as she looked for a compartment, and when she finally found one, stopped and sighed. Was he being serious? What was he playing at? She rummaged through her belongings to find her summer reading: Advanced Charms for the Seventh Year, and began reading.  
  
James was soon crushed by his best friends and carried inside their compartment (Number thirty-two) and while Remus talked about some prank or other, and Sirius played Exploding Snap with Peter, he looked out of the window at all the students rushing to get on the train before it left.  
  
About five games later, Sirius seemed to notice something.  
  
"Hey, Prongs! Congrats! Why didn't you tell me?!" Remus and Peter noticed it too and they burst out laughing.  
  
"What the hell is that, Prongsy? King of Hogwarts is Head Boy too now, eh? Careful, don't give your best friends detention now," Remus joked, gesturing to his badge that lay in his trunk (they opened it to get the Exploding Snap kit).  
  
"Oh," he replied absently. Suddenly, he realized that he didn't know who Head Girl was. It was probably some prude of a Ravenclaw, he groaned and voiced his concerns to the rest of the group.  
  
"You never know, Prongs, maybe it's a Slytherin. Or worse, maybe it's a Gryffindor!" Sirius said, but catching himself, he stood up. James smiled in mid-thought, and ran out of the compartment. The rest of the Marauders laughed again, and Remus voiced everyone's thoughts. "Poor James, fallen hard, hasn't he? Who'd a thunk it?"  
  
After about five or six wrong compartment, he finally found her sitting alone in the last of them. It was the smallest, and because it was so far away from where the food-cart Lady started, everyone avoided sitting there.  
  
"Guess what, Lily," he said breathlessly. She looked up from her book at him.  
  
"What in Merlin's name do you want now, Potter?"  
  
"Guess what?" he said again, obstinately. She sighed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm Head Boy." It had exactly the effect that James expected her to have. She put down her book and walked over to him, pulling him inside the compartment. She locked door to it, and made sure that no one was eavesdropping.  
  
"How," she asked, "How did you become Head Boy?" James gave a small laugh at her gloomy expression. "What are you laughing at?" she asked, hoping to sound mean and threatening. He eyed her for a second with a blank expression on his face. Lily suddenly felt self-conscious. "What??" she asked again.  
  
"Nothing," he replied, "Are you Head Girl?"  
  
"Yes. Now get out. I have to change into my school robes, Hogwarts is almost here." He obeyed her and went out to wait for her. Lily, utterly distressed, changed into her robes and soon, as she predicted, the train stopped. James was already in his robes, with his Head Boy badge pinned neatly to his chest when she came out of her compartment. It seemed they had an unspoken agreement. She followed him quietly, and got in a carriage with the rest of the Marauders. In the castle, they sat together and watched the Sorting, during which the Marauders introduced themselves to Lily, and she to them. They were just regular seventeen-year olds, Lily discovered, much to James's pleasure as much as the other Marauders.  
  
Sirius was the most interesting to Lily of all the four. She knew James, of course, she was confined to his company for an entire two days that she would probably never forget. Remus seemed a bit too talkative for her taste; she would've expected him to be reserved for his condition. (why else was she top of her class for?) Peter was nice, but he was so timid that she gave up talking to him. Sirius and Lily shared the same interests: art, poetry (muggle and magical), Transfiguration, and Charms, Quidditch, Soccer, classical guitar. Lily found that Sirius must have been her twin! Why had she wasted so much time when people just like her were right under her nose?  
  
"Tuck in," Dumbledore said, and the ravenous teens gobbled their dinners. Lily was the hungriest of any of them, as she had no lunch on the train. When the old lady with the food cart came around, she found the compartment door locked. Because of this, Lily finished first, and ate the most, and the boys were highly impressed. Remus declared that Lily and Sirius were officially twins, owing to yet another mutual interest--food. James looked a bit disgruntled, but Lily, who was the only one to notice, dismissed it.  
  
The days passed and Quidditch seasons came. Lily went to all the matches and cheered James on along with Sirius. She became very close to all of the Marauders, though James seemed to have lost interest in her. He was still very friendly, but he was no longer "infatuated," as the Marauders called it, with Lily. All was well until one morning at Breakfast. It was the day before Christmas Break, and everyone Fourth Year and above was staying on account of the Annual Yule Ball. Even Lily who usually never went, was planning on attending, for the rumours said that they were stopping the tradition altogether because of the Voldemort Dilemma.  
  
"Hello Boys," Lily greeted through a mouthful of oatmeal.  
  
"How can you eat that junk," Peter asked.  
  
"It's healthy for you. Right Sirius?" He did not answer. "Sirius?" She found that Sirius and James were busy glaring at each other on opposite sides of the table. James, who was sitting next to her, clenched his fist, and Lily eyed the others warily.  
  
"What is going on here?" she asked. James drew in a shuddering breath. He answered, "Why don't you ask Padfoot? You obviously know each other best."  
  
"What?" said Lily, confused. Remus seemed to know what was going on, but wouldn't say anything.  
  
"Padfoot, what's going on?" she said. Sirius gave her a mean look.  
  
"Why are you asking me? I'm obviously not as important as Prince Mural here."  
  
"He told you? Potter, how could you?" Lily was obviously angry, but contained herself. There was obviously something going on, and being upset was not going to help ease other people's tempers.  
  
"Lupin, tell me, what are they fighting about? I've never seen them fight in all seven years, so who is it? I've got a right."  
  
"Lily," Remus interrupted, "did you ever wonder why James dumped Myra right before they announced the Ball?"  
  
"Well, yes, you know how fickle he is," she said, frowning. What did that have to do with anything? "He probably had another love interest."  
  
"Right. How long has Prongs gone without a girlfriend before Myra?"  
  
"About two days, so what? Get to the point Moony," she retorted.  
  
"Lily, think about it! Who are you going to the ball with?"  
  
"Why Sirius, of c-" Something clicked in her head, and just as soon, James finished his pumpkin juice and made to go. "You can't be serious? This is about."  
  
"Lily, I-" Remus began, but Peter silenced him with a look. He nodded to James, and then Sirius. Remus seemed to understand and stood up. He and Peter left, leaving Sirius, James and Lily to work it out.  
  
"Before you two say anything, I want to know something. Is this what you had in mind? Is this why both of you were being so nice to me?"  
  
"Lily, no, it's not like that," insisted Sirius.  
  
"James?" said Lily.  
  
"What?"  
  
"This is what you wanted all along, isn't it? I was a conquest, right? Yet another race, a competition. You didn't expect Sirius to win, right?" James had a pleading look in his eyes, but he wouldn't say anything. Lily waited for him to say 'No.' She felt the familiar feeling bubbling up within her. The same feeling she had right before the fight, in Honeydukes, and when he confessed that he had been thinking about her over the summer. She sighed, cursing herself for not knowing better. She thought they understood, thought that they were her friends, and where had that ended up? Yet another expectation that she could not fulfill, yet another confirmation that she existed as a utility, to be manipulated and tied into the greater plan. First it was Petunia, then the boy that stole her virginity, and now it was the Marauders.  
  
"THIS is wolfsbane," said the Potions Master, "and YOU are going to work in pairs, doing a herb analysis. It's reactions in presence of any magical essence that you can find in THAT cupboard over there," he pointed to a small shelf across from him with about six herbs in it. "Each reaction should be recorded as volatile, or not, the color, texture, and any other physical property, or chemical property (if known) must also be recorded. Partner up NOW or I'll do you the honor!" With that final bark, the teacher let them all loose, and the students seemed to do as she suggested. She always had the worse suggestions.  
  
In the end, who else but the Marauders and Lily were left unpaired. Obviously, being the dull creature that she was, the Professor paired Sirius with Remus, and Lily with James. Peter, unfortunately, had to work with her.  
  
"You record and I'll mix," Lily commanded. James took out his parchment and quill without protest. The first hour of Double Potions passed, with no outbursts. Unless one was to count the constant explosions every other second when the students added the wolfsbane to its reactant the wrong way. Other than that it was fine.  
  
"I'm sorry," said James.  
  
"For what, Potter?"  
  
"For being jealous." Lily stopped diluting her bubotuber pus to look at him.  
  
"Jealous of what?"  
  
"You and Sirius," he hesitated, and put his quill down. Sitting on the stool, he looked up at her and continued in a softer voice. Lily almost had to strain to listen over another explosion. "I really like you. Ever since I found out that you were the one that painted the picture of me, well, I.I love you, Evans."  
  
"Potter, let's not do this nonsense, I don't-" He went on, ignoring her, "I know you won't ever go out with me, or entertain any of those teenage conventions, but seeing you with Padfoot.well, I just lost my self-control. I told him that you were the one that painted the mural, and he got angry with me for not telling him that you knew."  
  
"You mean he doesn't know that I figured it out myself?" Lily began to think of how to apologize to Sirius and she and James planned strategies to talk to him, and as they were finished recording all their reactions with another forty-five minutes left of class, they had quite some time to do so.  
  
By the time dinner was over, Sirius found himself being dragged into the Dissendius passage.  
  
"Padfoot," James began, "LILY has something to tell you." Lily gave James an incredulous glance, and cleared her throat.  
  
"I wanted to say that, erm, James would like to apologize for his irrational behaviour."  
  
"Lily!"  
  
"Ok, fine, Sirius," she began again, but he was squirming as the Body Bind was beginning to wear off.  
  
"Petrificus Totalus," James interrupted. Lily continued, "Look at the picture."  
  
The common attention was turned to the mural on the wall. It was of James in his magnificient stag form. His brown fur stood out startlingly in the white of the snow. In the messy chalk, there was the Forbidden Forest and the Gamekeeper's Hut, painted in hues of green and red, and it gave the entire picture a colorful cave-man like appeal.  
  
"Padfoot, back in fourth year.well, I overheard.your animagus plans in the Shrieking Shack. I go there sometimes, when it's not the full moon of course.because.well, I just like to be alone." Lily stared at her feet, feeling guilty for lying. Even though she wasn't looking at James, she felt his suspicious eyes bear into her. She suppressed the feeling and put on a cheerful expression. She took off the charms on him, and he took in a breath and sighed.  
  
"So." Sirius began, "I'm sorry man." James turned his attention from Lily and smiled at his best friend.  
  
"Me too, Padfoot," and he pulled him into an embrace. Lily, feeling awkward, pulled her cloak around her and began walking back through the passage to Hogwarts.  
  
"Hey Lily!" called Sirius, "Where do you think you're going?" Sirius pulled her into a hug with James and himself, and it would've been a truly touching moment, had not James been plagued with conflicting emotions. He pulled away quickly, but thankfully noone had noticed.  
  
"How about we load up on sweets, guys? The ball's three days from now, and we'll need something to help us through it," suggested James, and the two agreed willingly.  
  
Only when she finally lay in her bed at only God-knew-when, did she realized that someone admitted to loving her for the first time since her parents. Even her blood sister had never said it. Did that mean anything? She remembered her old dreams, of how James Potter would talk to her and they would be best friends. Was it coming true? Of course not. The son of the Minister of Magic? Fall in love with an orphan muggle-born? The other Gryffindor seventh years were startled awake by a shrill laugh of some sort. Maybe it was Peeves. 


	3. So Long

"So, Lily," said Myra, "enjoying your fifteen minutes in the spotlight?"  
  
Lily gaped at her. "What?"  
  
"Your friendship with the Marauders."  
  
"If you're just angry because Potter broke up with you for some other girl, it was bound to happen eventually-" Myra narrowed her eyes and cocked her head.  
  
"Lily, I will ignore that last comment. I understand we haven't been the best of friends, but I urge you to listen to me as a dorm-mate, atleast. I've been hurt by them, and maybe you're not one of their girlfriends, but I just don't want the same thing to happen to anyone else. I cried for hours, Lily, and I couldn't forgive myself if I hadn't warned you." Lily considered this, but Myra wasn't finished.  
  
"They ignored you for the first so many years, and then they suddenly befriend you. Even though they are Gryffindors, politics are politics. They always want something. I don't know why James broke up with me, we were so close, and he was so friendly.and then suddenly-" Lily sighed.  
  
"I guess you're right, Myra," she said, more to herself than to her companion, and went up to the Common Room. The Marauders always came in at that time after their kitchen raids to joke around and play chess. Myra smiled sympathetically and set off for the Library, pondering her good deed.  
  
"Where's Lily?" The Marauders soon entered, as predicted, into the Common Room with a couple of different types of fudges and about twenty mince pies. James sighed, "I'll go get her," he said. He made a big show of getting up from his comfortable armchair (the most comfortable, reserved for him, in particular). "Don't sit in my chair, any of you!" he warned, but as soon as he was out of sight, Remus jumped into the chair and poked his tongue out at Sirius and Peter.  
  
"So immature."  
  
*  
  
"Lily?" he called, and knocked on the Girl's Dormitory. The door flung open suddenly and a shout ("Who the hell-") came from the room. When James entered, he found her in the corner, reading some book or another, and her wand was poised from opening the door previously. "Lily?"  
  
When she turned to him, there was an unreadable expression on her face and it quickly turned to one of surprise. "I'm sorry Potter, I can't come downstairs, this book is just entirely too enthralling." She promptly went back to her book, clearly bent on ignoring him.  
  
"Then I'll stay here and keep you company," he said, and jumped on to her four poster. Lily's face was quite precious, her jaw dropped and her eyes narrowed.  
  
"Potter, why do you insist on irking me constantly?" she said harshly. James looked a bit hurt, but quickly covered it up.  
  
"Because I take great joy in it, of course. And Lily, don't call me Potter. It sounds so informal, like I'm some great authority and you're my disgruntled subject, waiting to discuss tax law amendments." Lily stifled a smile, reminding herself of what Myra said. Politics.  
  
"Why aren't you talking to me, darling? Usually you're just full of bitter and sarcastic comments." There was stirring in Lily's stomach, and she took in a breath, hoping to contain it. These feelings had to stop. She felt like punching him once more-that seemed to do the trick. For the few minutes that she was fighting him atleast.  
  
"James Potter, you are the most disgustingly vile creature that I have ever laid eyes on, and I hate you. Satisfied?" Lily regretted saying the words as soon as they left her lips, but her stubbornness kept her from apologizing.  
  
"Did you mean that?" said James quietly. Lily didn't answer. She kept her eyes on the book and she heard the bed creak and the door close. The tears started leaking out, and soon she began to draw. She always seemed to draw when she was extremely sad, but she tried to convince herself that it worked for all extreme emotions. She was just immensely happy that Potter had left her alone.  
  
Two days later, the ball came around. Lily was bound, as Head Girl, and Sirius Black's date to attend it, and so she did. While all the other girls were bustling around doing this and that for hours on end, Lily simply let her hair loose (for the first time in public since her mother last touched it) and slipped on her only non-school robes. They were blue, and billowed around her. She wore the silver hoop earrings her sister gave her, for her mother always said that it was not appropriate to go anywhere without jewelry.  
  
"Lily darling," Sirius said snootily, "You look stunning." Lily gave a weak smile, and it seemed to content him. She was the first one to come down the stairs, so all the boys that were waiting on the foot of the staircase were concentrated on her. James and Remus were going alone, and Peter already left to meet his Ravenclaw date. The two followed the couple (Lily and Sirius) and sat down at the Head Table. Remus posed as James' "date" and took her place, and surprisingly, no one noticed.  
  
Lily danced with Sirius for about fifteen of the twenty dances, but found that she wasn't having such a great time. Remus was nowhere to be seen since he disappeared with Myra Damier. She motioned to Sirius, and he moved out of the crowd and away from the band where there was less yelling and noise.  
  
"Yes, Lillian my dearest," Sirius asked. He looked at the pained expression on Lily's face. "D'you want to go outside?" he yelled (it was still a bit noisy). She shook her head 'no.' "Oh, you're tired?"  
  
"Yeah. You go ahead and have a good time, Sirius, I'll think I'll go eat, okay?" He nodded and smiled at her. They were here as friends, and Lily didn't know if they could be any more. It wasn't that he wasn't a crushable person, but.well.it was obviously James' fault. It was always James' fault these days. If he hadn't ruined her week with his provoking comments, then she wouldn't have had such a lousy time at the ball. As she was thinking, back at the table, who else chose to sit next to her but Potter himself.  
  
"Having a good time are you?" he asked rhetorically. Before she could answer, he stood up and offered his hand to her. The band struck up a slow song. "I want to talk to you," he said. Lily, who had been feeling queasy all along the conversation, accepted, hoping he didn't start to yell at her or something.  
  
"I wanted to know why I annoy you so much. I mean, maybe next time, I could work on it. Diplomatic strategies, you know?" He waltzed her across the room as he spoke, though the dance wasn't even in three-four time. Lily's heart pounded in her chest and she felt like she would explode. Thankfully, she wasn't blushing, but she might as well have been, for it seemed like James was reading every nasty little thought in her mind.  
  
"So tell me, how do I 'irk' you so much?"  
  
"First of all, you're a prat," she said, "and second of all, you're the Minister's son."  
  
"What does that have to do with anything?" he interrupted, buying Lily some time to think of more reasons.  
  
"James, think about it. I'm a muggle-born. I have no parents. I was raised in charity. You are my entire opposite, and there are more of my kind than yours, the prestigious. Why would you just talk to me all of a sudden? You have to have a reason?"  
  
"I told you my reason, I love you." James was trying to fathom her expression, but to no avail. Lily swallowed painfully.  
  
"You see the thing is, Potter," his arms stiffened. He said, "I'm not listening to you if you call me 'Potter.'" "Well the thing is, Potter," she persisted, "People don't just "love" other people for no reason. What have I ever done for you?"  
  
"You don't have to do anything. It's just the way I feel. I'll show you."  
  
Just when Lily was wondering what he wanted to "show," James pulled her closer and pressed his lips to her. Before she could react, her head whirred, and entirely to soon, he pulled away. Lily felt her lips subconsciously, and James let go of his grasp around her. He thought to himself, 'It's never felt this.chaste, and yet.' He thought he knew what love was, but the feeling that he had, so overpowering and imposing, that now he began to doubt everything. Just a simple kiss, why had it felt so thrilling? It almost scared him in its grotesque immensity.  
  
"Lily," he said softly, and their eyes locked. She broke contact first, and he realized why she hated him. He realized that she had felt this before him. It could either be heaven or hell, and in her case, it was hell at one point. All those romance movies he watched on the muggle box, and Shakespeare, being hurt when one didn't love you back, he understood. He thought that it was heart wrenching when Lily was with Sirius, and now he knew how bad it could really be. What if she lead him on? What if she dumped him?  
  
"Lily, I'm sorry," he said, and she looked at him with that same astonished expression. She cracked a smile.  
  
"Why? This horrible night is almost over. Last dance. I think we're supposed to dance together James." Sure enough, Dumbledore stood up.  
  
"Head Students, this is your dance. You others, grab someone special, it's the last dance of the night."  
  
Once more, they came close together. James put his hand on her waist and she around his neck. Too soon for their liking, although, the song ended. Dumbledore announced that they could either go take a walk around grounds or eat. As this was a yearly tradition, most students knew what they would do. Most ate, and the remainder went out to enjoy the grounds. Lily and James chose to go out into the grounds.  
  
"Lily," said James when they found a secluded place to sit, "I do love you. With every portion of my being. And I know that you think I'm some overlarge jerk," Lily started to say something, but James silenced her with his hand, "I've never felt this way before. With anyone, and I'd hate it if we were to continue pretending. Atleast let's be friends?" Lily felt the tears start to come, and this time, she let them flow. If she had to say it, she had to say it now. She didn't care what impression she made, but she hated their situation as much as he did.  
  
"My parents died when I was really young. I never said that I'd loved them, because I didn't know about love, didn't know I was supposed to, and I will never have the chance. My sister hates me. My last boyfriend raped me, and I thought he cared, just like you, before the incident with the mural. Maybe I'm feeling self-pity, or whatever, but," she was overwhelmed with sobs so much that she stopped speaking.  
  
James seemed to understand, although, and he pulled her closer to him. She put her chin on his shoulder and something seemed to snap inside her. She saw in her mind, her parents strewn about her, right after the car accident and the EMT trying to gather them into the ambulance. She saw Petunia, complaining right next to her that it was all her sister's fault. She was weird from the start, and God had punished them all for her evil treachery. Lily cried for a while, but gathered her self.  
  
"The point is, Potter," she sniffed, "I've had enough. I understand you like me, because I'm pretty, smart, whatever, but I've heard it all before, ok? And there's nothing here," she pointed to herself, feeling braver, "that is better than Myra or anyone else that you may have been with before."  
  
James was about to interrupt, but an unrecognizable black owl flew over to him. In its claws was a small piece of paper. When he opened it, a dark mark floated up from it into the sky, and a message appeared in dark red letters. "Minister of Magic Murdered. Condolences, You-know-who." James's heart pounded to his throat, and hoping it was a joke, he ran to the castle, Lily following right behind him. She had read it the same time as he.  
  
*  
  
Dumbledore confirmed it. Not only had the Minister died, but his wife been tortured as well. She was in the Hospital, in critical condition, requiring surgery. James was numb. He blocked out all voices and walked up to his Dorm, to gather his wits and keep from committing suicide. He didn't notice the Marauders as well as Lily walk up with him, all of them with scared looks on their faces, and when he lay on his bed, he pulled his knees up to his chest and closed his eyes. He hoped to fall asleep. Maybe this was all a dream.  
  
The next morning, James woke up cheerfully, and noticing the solemn looks on his friends' faces, angrily smashed the closest thing to him against the wall-soon, things started flying around, and glass was breaking everywhere. The four left him and closed the door behind them, but his distressing cries could be heard from down in the Common Room where they sat. They wore identical looks of misery, and as no one else was staying over from Gryffindor, only James voice was heard throughout the entire tower.  
  
The cries subsided, though, after about two hours, and faint sobs could be heard it's place. Fifteen minutes later, noise stopped entirely, and only Sirius's stomach rumbled.  
  
"How about you guys go get Breakfast," Lily said in a wavering tone, "and I'll stay back and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid?" The looked at each other, thoughtfully considering it, and Remus nodded to her. "Make sure to bring something for me and Jamesie, eh?"  
  
"I don't think he'll eat, Lily," Sirius said doubtfully, but Lily shook her head. "Bring it anyway," she said. As soon as they exited the Common Room, Lily began climbing up the stairs to the Boys' Dorm to check up on him.  
  
"James?" There was no response for a while, but Lily saw that James's eyes were open. She went over and hugged him close to her, held his hand, and waited. All of these things, she wished that someone had done for her, and then maybe she would be a bit more trusting. The opportunity was lost for her, but that didn't mean that James had to also. Besides, he still had his mother.  
  
"I understand what you said now. About how you'll never have another chance. I always told my father I hated him. Because he was the great Minister of Magic, and he never had any time for his son, always had to save the world." Lily squeezed his hand as he began to cry again. His voice was hoarse from the yelling. "I was lucky to even have a father that loved me. People are worse off. I feel guilty now, after being so angry, I've realized that I have people who care about me. All those poor people out there.no wonder there is evil. I don't fear Voldemort, and I don't hate him, I pity him."  
  
Lily smiled at him encouragingly, and finished for him. "It took me a while to figure that out, and that fact is what kept me from going crazy. Death is inevitable. Sooner or later, we will all die. My only hope is not to let my anger rule me. Where would we go if everyone were controlled by their emotions? That's why I vowed not to love, or hate, or feel at all. I realize now, Prongs, with your help, that emotions are just as inevitable. Learning to play with the cards you're dealt-that is where the challenge lies.  
  
"And Lily Evans, we will face that challenge." Lily helped James up out of his bed, and they walked down to Breakfast, much to the surprise of the Marauders, who expected atleast a month before he recovered from the ordeal, judging by the way he was throwing things.  
  
"Lily, you must be some sort of miracle worker, what did you do to him?" Remus said when she sat down next to him.  
  
"Nothing," she said, "James did it himself." She gave him a secretive smile, and he smiled back, but Peter and Sirius seemed to notice.  
  
"What's going on?" said Sirius, "You're finally together, are you?" James blushed pink, and looked down at his breakfast, but Lily began to deny it.  
  
"No! What makes you think I even like him! I never said it! Eww gross, James Potter? No, Sirius!"  
  
But the secret was out. Lily Evans and James Potter liked each other. Soon, first years (sent by the older-year admirers,) came to confirm it. "Are you guys going out?" they would ask, and even though both James and Lily denied it, countless members of James's fan club took some incentive to torture her.  
  
"Oh look, it's the Mudblood lover," said Snape. The Marauders and Lily were just returning from a visit to the Holding, with Chocolate Frogs jumping all over. "Have you met the girl's parents yet, Potter?" Lily clenched her fists, and James saw it. He put his hand on hers and Lily loosened it a bit, and James replied.  
  
"Snape, I don't have time for you and your Death-Eater pals here, so get your ass out of my face. You wouldn't want last year's incident to be repeated again, do you?"  
  
"You wouldn't, coward!" spat Snape, "you couldn't do it last year, and you can't do it now. This time, you don't have the Minister to save your butt from getting expelled." Lily looked at James's face for a reaction, but this time, there was a small smirk on it.  
  
"Get lost, Snape. You were scared too, weren't you? 'Mommy, the power of darkness, dammit, someone get me out of here!!'" Sirius let out a snicker, but contained himself at Remus's sharp expression. With a final glare (from both sides) he left, with Crabbe and Goyle hot on his heels.  
  
"Sorry Lils."  
  
"Ooh, we have nicknames for each other now, have we?" Sirius taunted happily. Remus stuck a struggling chocolate frog on his mouth, and Peter noticed that Lily's and James's hands dropped apart. It was almost New Year's Eve, and they had to be going to the kitchens to get food for the party in the Gryffindor commons. 


	4. Breathless Hush of Evening

"Lily, could you help me with this Cheering Charm? I can't seem to get it right," said Truman Ytterbius, a fourth year that had been tutoring with her for the past week. James and the Marauders were on the opposite end of the Common Room, by the fire, laughing and talking and enjoying their last day of Christmas Break. They finished (by Lily's constant demands) theirs earlier.  
  
"If only you had done it before this week, Tru, maybe you wouldn't have this much trouble. It's done with a loop, left swish, right swish, and the 'Cheerio' Voila, you're happy."  
  
"Thanks Lily, I always have trouble with Charms, by the way. I'm glad I finally got it over with. I'll get working on my Defense homework, thanks for your help. I don't know where I'd be now if it wasn't for you."  
  
"Your welcome, Tru. Anything else I can do?"  
  
"No. I think James wants you though." Lily looked up to see James walking up to her with a scowl on his face.  
  
"I've had enough of Sirius's joking," he told her.  
  
"What, is it about me and you again?" Lily asked. Truman covered up a smile and pretended to concentrate on his essay on the History of Muggle Dark Arts. "Ignore him. He has nothing better to do," she continued.  
  
"Let's go for a walk, Lily, I want to talk to you about something." He gave her a hand to help her up, but she refused it, getting up on her own. Truman shook with mirth, but luckily, neither of them noticed. As they exited the Common Room, Remus yelled, "Have fun, lovebirds!" and Truman could hold it in no longer. He burst out laughing along with Sirius. Lily gave them each a frosty glare and James shook his head, blushing.  
  
*  
  
"So what did you want to talk about?" Lily pulled James's cloak around herself as well as him. They were sitting on a makeshift bench behind Hagrid's Hut. He was out in Diagon Alley, getting some supplies.  
  
"Lily, as you know," James began.  
  
"James, not other undying love speech," Lily said and sighed dramatically. James smiled guiltily.  
  
"I guess I am being a bit of a love-struck puppy, eh?"  
  
"A cute puppy, I must admit, but love-struck nonetheless." Lily pinched James's shaved cheek, and a chill wind blew, rustling the woolen cloak around them. James pulled Lily into a kiss and held onto it longer, this time. Lily responded, without protest, half-subconsciously. It went on for almost a minute until he broke off, breathless. Their noses were still touching, and both of their eyes were closed.  
  
"James, I can't do this," said Lily. Her old memories came flooding back once more. 'The Minister's son? And you?' said a voice in the back of her head. What was his name? John, Jason? The boy that forced himself on her? 'The Minister's son."  
  
"Why not?" James's frustrated voice came through, breaking her reverie. "Sorry, Lily."  
  
"When Jacob Duncan and I were dating, even though I knew he didn't really have feelings for me, I enjoyed the fact the he found me attractive. I know I'm not,"  
  
"Who told you that?"  
  
"What? That he found me attractive? He did. In many more words than that, but he said it nevertheless."  
  
"No, that you're not. Who told you you're not?"  
  
"Well.I did. I know I'm not ugly, like Greta Mason," James gave a chuckle, "but ever since I was little, Petunia was always the one that everyone praised, so if I'm nothing to compare to Petunia, then, well, I'm not pretty. Logical deduction, Potter." James took hold of her hand.  
  
"You're very pretty. They just didn't tell you so you didn't grow up vain like all those girls I used to date." James said.  
  
"So, if you think all those girls were just as pretty as I am, why don't you go and tell them that you love them?" Lily smiled inwardly at the thought that she'd stumped him.  
  
"Come on, Lily, I didn't choose to love such a difficult person!"  
  
"If I'm so difficult, I don't see why you continue loving me!" Their voices rose higher as the wind blew stronger. It was almost as if it was telling them to stop arguing.  
  
"I told you! I didn't choose it. It just.happened!"  
  
"So one day you just woke up and you said to yourself: I love that weird redhead?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"So you're calling me weird then?" Lily was beginning to enjoy this very much, but James was quite far gone with his temper.  
  
"No! You impossible girl, I don't know why I even bother."  
  
"Then don't."  
  
"Lily, just shut up and go out with me, will you?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Why not-wait, what did you say?" James furrowed his eyebrows and Lily almost giggled at his silly expression.  
  
"I said ok. Is there a problem with that? I mean if there is, I could always change my mind?" James gaped at her, his eyes wide.  
  
"You said yes?"  
  
"Yes. No more soppy soliloquies, or I'll change my mind. Deal?"  
  
"Deal," he said, "Now why couldn't you have said it sooner?"  
  
"Why, you never asked," she replied. James promptly tackled her to the ground and stuffed a snowball in her shirt.  
  
When the "lovebirds" returned to the Common Room, they found Peter off with his "study-partner," the Ravenclaw he went to the dance with, and Remus passionately making out with a girl on the long couch. Sirius was looking about, disgusted. When Lily came and jumped on his lap, he asked her, "Lily, don't you have any beautiful friends for me?"  
  
"Well there is a Slytherin I know, name's Katie, she's really nice. She's not evil or anything, just really really bent on getting her way with everything. Quite a control freak. She might do you some good." Sirius snorted. "Why do you ask, Padfoot?" Lily said.  
  
"Well, everyone has a girl. I mean Remus and Myra," he made a face at the pair that were now whispering to each other, "Peter and his.er, whatever," Lily interrupted him; "Don't be mean," she said sternly. "And then of course there's you and Prongs. Try to separate you two, and you'd probably die or sommet. Have you gotten together yet, by the way?" Lily and James chanced a look at each other.  
  
"Yea, we have," Lily confirmed. Sirius shrugged. "I knew you would soon," he said. Lily threw a pillow at him. "I was thinking of talking to that beautiful sixth year up there for you, but you obviously aren't too keen on keeping me happy," she said.  
  
"Why of course, Lily-kins, I meant no harm by it. If you still want to do your poor pal a favor." Sirius made a baby-face at her and Lily pushed him off the chair, and it earned a snigger from James.  
  
The rest of the year went smoothly. As Head Students, Lily and James had hardly any time with their friends, or without work. They were always either writing up detentions, or doing inventories of the money situation. Malfoy's warning in fifth year, though almost entirely forgotten, was rapidly becoming a reality. When the two had no Head duties, they took up the task of consoling all those affected by the Rise of Voldemort. It proved very time-consuming and difficult to do so. Oftentimes, either Lily or James would stay awake entire nights with people whose parents or siblings, or relatives, or even best friends, who's companions had gone home to be with their families.  
  
During Dinner one day, Dumbledore even recognized them for it.  
  
"This year has been hard for all of us. All years, all houses, all victims, and even those close to those that were affected. Let us thank the ones that triumphed in the times of turmoil, and focused their time and effort to helping others. Let us drink to Lily Evans and James Potter, our Head Boy and Girl, who have walked the extra mile beyond their line of duty.  
  
Just about everyone applauded for the two, including each other. A few Slytherins left the Common Room, not wanting to participate, but other than that, the mood of dinner that night was greatly improved by Dumbledore's speech. Dumbledore was offered the position of Minister of Magic, but he refused, saying that Hogwarts needed him especially at this time. James supported the Headmaster in his decision.  
  
James went to visit Mrs. Potter. Her operation, the removal of a few large brain clots, was a success. She needed bedrest for about a week, but she was soon up and about, making foreign peace talks as usual. In all the excitement, though, Lily had forgotten to say important thing to James. By the time she remembered it, they were on their way home from Hogwarts, and with all the hustle and bustle (It was the legendary "prankster" compartment, of course people would come to visit) she didn't have a chance until they disembarked from the train.  
  
"Lily, weren't you supposed to stay with Dumbledore?" James asked when the noise had subsided.  
  
"About that, James." Before Lily said anything, Mrs. Elena Potter came up to her son.  
  
"Why, you must be Lily Evans, right?" she said cheerfully. Lily replied in the affirmative, and looked at James for a response.  
  
"You know her, mother?" he asked Elena.  
  
"Why yes, James, do you? Is she a friend of yours?"  
  
"A frie-mother, what are you on about?" James looked at Lily, then back at his mother, waiting for an explanation.  
  
"Lily is going to be coming to Spain with us, James, I suppose you just met. That's probably why she hasn't told you, right?" She turned her trademark blue eyes to Lily.  
  
"Well, Mrs. Potter," Lily said nervously, "I'm your son's."  
  
"She's my girlfriend, mother," James said icily. Lily could not judge whether it was intended for her, or his mother.  
  
"Really, James?" his mother said, somewhat condescendingly. "Let's be going now, shall we?" Her cheerfully countenance had disappeared and she was now indifferent, almost mean. The car ride was quiet, and when they got to the mansion, a few house elves gathered all her belongings, and another led her to her room.  
  
It was a large bungalow with immense staircases. From the outside, it looked like a quaint wooden Muggle home, but inside, it was almost of Hogwarts proportions. Except for the dungeons and turrets, of course. Her room was humongous, and there were windows all around. The lace curtains swayed with the breeze, and there was a large white four poster bed in the center. There was a fireplace, and a picture that she couldn't recognize hanging above the mantle. She was so caught up in looking around her new room that she didn't notice James coming inside and sitting on her bed.  
  
"This used to be Sirius's Room," he said. Lily turned around and nearly jumped out of her skin.  
  
"Don't scare me like that, you idiot!" she cried shrilly. James ignored her.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" he questioned. His face was tense and curious.  
  
"Because I didn't know if you'd be happy, or break up with me, or whatever," she answered simply.  
  
"Why would I?"  
  
"Well, your mother doesn't seem to like me very much. I think it's because I'm living in her charity." She laughed a bit quietly, and came to sit next to her boyfriend.  
  
"It doesn't bother you? I mean if you'd told me, I atleast would've warned her to be nice."  
  
"I'm used to it James," she shrugged a smiled sadly. James hugged her to him, wondering why he was so pitifully nice to her. Usually, he would've been angry and vowed not to talk to anyone, but now the issue was resolved in less than a minute. He told Lily so.  
  
"Usually it takes me a while to get over things, but with us, you're always the emotional one," he finished.  
  
"What do you mean I'm emotional? When have I ever been emotional?" she cried indignantly. James laughed.  
  
"I don't want I ever did to deserve you, my darling," he said sarcastically.  
  
"Likewise," Lily replied. 


	5. Trembling

That night's dinner was a tense affair. Elena, as she wished that everyone call her, was very cold and distant with Lily. James and his mother were eyeing each other hatefully and Lily was seriously stuck between Scylla and Charybdis.

When dinner was over, James pointedly dragged Lily off, making it a point to wake really close to her. Lily could almost feel Mrs. Potter's handsome eyes on her, boring into her skeptically.

James had argued with his mother to let Lily come as an escort for the Formal Parties that were being hosted on his birthday. It was to no avail, and his mother had chosen one for him. She was a beautiful brunette with the exotic name of "Ashley."  She arrived that evening, not long after James told her about his birthday and "Ashley." Lily was more than happy to blend into the background as Mrs. Potter wished, because as much as she enjoyed James's company, she detested the awkwardness that was in her mind every time she was with him.

Lily was not used to attention of any sort. Being the youngest child, and being that her sister shunned her company more than anything else, she was left to the extent of her own imagination. No one ever bothered with her, taking her for granted, at home, in the orphanage, and even at Hogwarts, and she had come to prefer it that way. When James Potter put her in the limelight, she was even wishing that his mother had argued against Lily's dating her son.

Not to say that she wasn't jealous.

Ashley really liked James, and from far away, James seemed to fancy her also. It was the little things, the "signs" as Sirius would call them, that indicated to Lily the great couple they made. The slight touch of the arm, the brush of the shoulders, the cheek-to-cheeks they exchanged when they left each other's company. Was this all purely rehearsed? 

She realized that it was inescapable, no matter how deep their love was, or could be, she would always doubt if James Potter was too good for her. A part of her wished that he would fall in love with Ashley, so that that doubt was finally resolved. Was she ready to bear the burden of robbing James of his potential just to be selfish? 

No, she decided, love was not really so important. She'd lived so many years without it, and there were always other guys?

Lily concluded, James was a part of her life to teach her something, that she should move on. She should find someone that suited her, maybe something, a profession. 

"Jim, darling," Ashley said, "where is this girl you speak so much about?"

Elena was giving the young couple a warning glare from the head of the table. James carefully chewed his dinner before replying. "Lily? Well, she doesn't really like to be in the swim of things," he smiled apologetically, "but if you want, we'll go see her after dinner."

He particularly oversaw the custom of asking his mother for permission, knowing already that she would refuse. After dinner, he and Ashley made off to Lily's quarters, making polite conversation in the process.

"What do your parents do, Ashley?" James asked.

"Well, they're politicians. My dad's the English ambassador to Peru and my mum's his assistant. They fell in love on the job, funny isn't it?" she chuckled rhetorically. "Why do you ask?"

He shrugged in response, recalling that his mum and dad fallen in love "on the job" as well. Ashley knocked on the door. A house elf came to open it, and right behind her stood Lily in a silk night robe that the elf had brought for her.

"Evie?!" Ashley shrieked as soon as she saw them. James looked around dumbly, wondering who that was, but Lily soon spoke.

"Toni??" she yelled as they both engaged in a long embrace. "Where have you been, you are so beautiful! How did you end up here?" Ashley rattled off a long jumble of questions as Lily pulled her friend inside, and James closed the door behind them, feeling utterly lost.

Ashley seemed to remember him, though. "Oh James! This is wonderful, you can't imagine!" Lily smiled wide and finished for Ashley.

"Ashley and I lived in the same orphanage. She was there longer than I was, but she was adopted first…" she trailed off thoughtfully, but James seemed to understand.

"Ah," he said, "I'll leave you two to get reacquainted. Got to have my beauty sleep for the Ball tomorrow, don't I?"

Lily and Ashley nodded to him, and he left, wondering if his mother would finally accept Lily.

Indeed, her opinion of Lily was greatly improved when the news reached Elena from her own son, that Ashley and Lily were previously known to each other. As Ashley practically had Mrs. Potter wrapped around her finger from the start, getting her to like Lily was not a difficult task. Atleast it seemed that way to the common eye. Before they were to attend James's birthday party, Lily was dragged off by Mrs. Potter to prepare for the occasion. 

"I want you to give a modest impression if you are coming with us this evening, instead of looking like a common Muggle," she said imperiously. Lily smiled inwardly, knowing full well that Mrs. Potter was struggling with coming to terms on this preconceived opinion she had of her as a girl feeding off of her generosity. "Yes ma'am," she agreed meekly.

She hastily instructed the house elves to bathe her, and to Lily's astonishment, they began stripping off her clothes and pushed her into a large bathroom. It was not anything like the Prefect's bathroom back in Hogwarts. 

The tub was of genuine white marble, and there were shimmering golden taps in one end. There were no bubbles nor perfume nor anything of the sort, but the House Elves turned a few taps in a specific combination. Lily assumed that they knew what they were doing until extremely hot water hit her back, almost scalding her. She jumped and let out a small yell in protest, but with amazing strength, a house elf pushed her back down. Soon, the little creature began scrubbing every inch of her body and she winced in pain. When she finally emerged from the bath, pink all over, Elena bustled in, dismissing the house elves.

"Well, Lily, I daresay you show quit some potential." Lily was indignant, but could not reply as she was again yanked off into a bigger room. A closet of some sort with beautiful robes of all textures of all different colors. Elena disappeared in the rows and rows of hangers, as Lily looked around in awe. She had never known such luxury. She imagined herself in Mrs. Potter's position, wondering if her treatment toward herself was justified after all. To have grown up in such opulence!

Elena brought out her clothing and instructed her to come out in no more than two minutes time. With a flick of her wand, she'd closed the doors, and managed to exit in the process.

The robes were of silk, but Lily thought they were obviously magically altered, because even in that stuffy closet, she felt as cool as if she had been wearing one of James's cotton tees. She later realized that a simple watered down freezing charm would've done the trick, and cursed herself for not thinking of it sooner. 

When Lily came out of the closet, in even lesser time that Mrs. Potter expected, she was pushed into a large cushiony chair in front of a dresser. The house elves flurried around her once more as Elena instructed them, brushing her hair, and putting strange smelling concoctions on it. Lily was about to protest when they started doing the same to her face, but she soon forgot it, thinking Elena would obviously have none of it. How bad could it be?

James's reaction to Lily was indescribable. As soon as Elena let her loose, she found James, eager to convey her experience. In midsentence however, Lily paused, realizing that her boyfriend was no more listening to her than he was jumping up and down with a foot on his head.

"What's the matter, Prongs?" she asked, vaguely concerned. 

"Hmm?"

"I don't look…bad, do I? I knew I shouldn't've let them put that make-up on me…"

"No! no, Lily," said James finally. He paused in indecision. "You look so…"

"Beautiful?" Lily and James turned toward the voice to see Ashley, a knowing smirk on her face.

Lily suddenly felt small and stupid. Ashley looked extraordinarily attractive in velvet brown dress robes. They were short sleeved, and had a sheer strip at the top with some sort of embroidery that shimmered in the light. She wondered what became of that mischievous Toni, her childhood friend. A deep melancholy enveloped her as her heart sunk. How could she compare to all the Ashley's of the world? 

"You look wonderful too Ashley, let's be off, shall we? Mother'll be upset," James said. Lily let go of his hand as Ashley's armed looped through his, and she walked behind them into the chamber where the party was being held. 

People soon came to greet James and Ashley, and some even Lily, though somewhat contemptuously. Some just praised Elena Potter for her benevolence and Lily agreed to everything they said, too wrapped up in the luxury of the event to notice what they were saying.

James was in a similar situation. Many important court officials, Ministry wizards, and such people were constantly wishing him a Happy Birthday or some such nonsense, but his thoughts were constantly on Lily. How beautiful she was in those blue robes! Her iridescent eyes and her smooth and supple hair kept flitting through as broken images in his head, and everywhere he looked, he saw them. 

When had this come about? Lily was simultaneously thinking to herself. Between pretending to be involved in the trivial conversations and absorbing her lavish surroundings, she could not help but sneak a jealous glance at James and Toni. He was so handsome. She could get lost in his eyes, even though they did not look at her…

She jumped as yet another young man greeted her.

"Hullo, Lily Evans, did I scare you?" She took in the young boy's face; it seemed oddly familiar.

"Do I know you?" she asked. He smiled and said, "No, you may not remember, but I went to Hogwarts last year. Remember me, I'm Jacob Duncan's little brother, Greg?"

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I completely forgot!" Lily replied, though she had not an inkling of who he was.

"Yeah, after what Jake did to you, I don't blame you," he smiled apologetically. Lily sighed softly.

"Do you want to dance?" she asked, wondering if the words were really coming from _her_ mouth.

"Sure," he agreed, and they soon joined the other couples on the dance floor. Lily was not aware of a pair of blue eyes following her precariously.

Soon, Elena's amplified voice silenced all the talking and dancing guests.

"If you would please follow my elves into the dining room, dinner will be served in ten minutes exactly," she said. The chatter resumed and people soon began to exit the Ballroom into the Dining room.

Lily took a seat next to Ashley, as the two boys sat directly opposite them. 

"James," Lily said cheerfully, "where is Sirius? I thought you said he would be here?"

"He had to cancel," James replied through gritted teeth and Lily glanced at Toni inquiringly. She winked, a sign that she would explain later. The rest of the party went smoothly until Sirius arrived.

"Hullo all!" he said good-naturedly. Lily looked at James, but he refused to meet her eyes.

"Hullo Padfoot," Ashley raised her eyebrow, and Greg explained, "Nickname," and she nodded, understanding.

"So how's the party? Boring, as every year, I imagine," Sirius said and James nodded in response.

"What say we go outside to the Quidditch pitch and ruin it for your mum, Jamesie?" The teens all agreed but Ashley and Greg, who preferred to stay inside as they were having an enjoyable time.

As soon as they got outside to the warm summer air, the mood lightened. All that was out here was Quidditch, no worries, Just Quidditch.

Lily was a horrible chaser, because James and Sirius were fighting for the Quaffle always, and she hardly had it. Sometimes she would get it away from James or Sirius and keep it away from either of them so long and never make a goal. James made her a keeper, while he and Sirius played, and surprisingly enough, there wasn't a goal made at all. 

"Why didn't you tell us you were such a good Keeper?" Sirius whined.

"I didn't know, Padfoot, honestly, I'm telling you I've never played Quidditch before!"

"Did you hear that Prongs? I reckon she'd even be better than you if she practiced!" James scowled and Lily took the opportunity eagerly and poked fun at him. Sirius put his arm around his best friend comfortingly, and they walked back to the mansion, brooms in hand, laughing and joking. 

They were sooned joined by Ashley and Greg, who both seemed to be hiding something. It was obvious what it was, and Lily didn't hesitate to drag her friend off to cough up the details. Greg shrugged and Sirius rolled his eyes. James simply glared after Lily.

"So, you and that Gregory Duncan are an item?" Lily questioned tauntingly.

"Ssh! Be quiet Lily, how did you know anyway?" 

"Well you were only sooo obvious," she replied.

"Don't get on my bad side now, Evie, I see you have quite a thing with that James Potter!"

"I do not!" Lily said indignantly.

"I don't know, Ev, all he did was stare at you, every wakin' second of the night. And he also seems to talk about you a whole lot."   
  


"Really?" Lily asked, not being able to help herself.

"Yea! I mean it made me look like blithering idiot!"

"No it didn't, Toni, you looked cute together!" she told Ashley. She gave her an unreadable look.

"Maybe so, but he has eyes only for you, Evie. Greg on the other hand, is really handsome. Not to mention a good kisser!" Lily's eyes widened.

"He's already kissed you?" she questioned happily and the conversation took on a mind of its own, much to Lily's relief.

*

"So did you have a good time last night, _Evie_."

Lily turned around making her hair whip in her face. "Ouch," she said and smiled at James.

"Yea, did you?" James glared at her. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"If you wanted to break up you could have just said it, instead of leading me on for so long!"

"What are you talking about, James?" said Lily intently watching James's face.

"It hurts Lily. You go off and prance about with that Greg fellow and pretend nothing happened!" Lily felt her anger rising and she retorted.

"Well if I recall you had no complaints with _Ashley_! I said nothing about that did I?"

"I HAD to be with her! Are you asking me to _pretend_ to have a bad time just for you?"

"Oh! So it's okay for YOU to have fun, not me! Because I'm obviously the muggle-born leech that's come to suck your attention all to myself, is it?"

"I never said that! Stop putting words in my mouth, Evans!"

"Fine, POTTER!" When Ashley hurried in with a scared look on her face, Lily and James realized that they had been yelling.

"What's wrong," said Ashley.

"Oh nothing, James and I just _broke up_," said Lily, looking at him.

"I never agreed to that! You can't just do that!" he protested. Lily smirked.

"You're the one who said that I could've just let you know if I wanted to break-up? Well then, I want to break up." Ashley was watching the scene amusedly as James protested and their voices rose higher and higher.

"Fine then!!" James screamed.

"Fine," retorted Lily calmly.

"Fine," James said, slamming the door and dragging Ashley off to only God-knew-where. 


	6. Lovely Song

She was really having the most perfect day of her life.

Those were the only words that could describe what happened to her.

Her _dreams_ had _finally_ come true!

Oh Love! She could confess to the world…and James Potter? Jacob Duncan? She wondered if that weren't a past nightmare…

This was beauty in its essence, and Spain! Oh Spain! This was her world! Finally, it was her time to live!

Lily brushed back her hair and sprayed on some strange looking perfume. She hummed to herself, and walked outside, observing her daily routine of greeting every person that looked at her.

"¡Como está, señora!" she said to the old lady that always came out to have a cup of coffee in the morning.

"And 'ow arr you, Leely," she replied quite amiably. Lily smiled and asked, "May I join you?" making sure to emphasize her English so that she would understand. The lady nodded and the young waiter brought her a cup of coffee.

"Hola, Tómas," she greeted, smiling. 

"I see that you are in quite a good mood this morning," Tom said in a perfect London accent. He was her personal tour guide: James's mother had taken the liberty of assigning her one, and a young eligible one, to pry her hands off her son. Lily, atleast, thought so.

"Are you too busy to take me out on this fine day?" Señora Vasquez winked at Tómas, and he blushed.

"What did you have in mind, Lily," Tómas asked, his eye on the couple walking hand in hand into the café. They were also regulars, and almost all the time they would order a large cup of tea to share and a biscotti each. 

"Just a few torture chambers," she said. 

"Sure." Tómas went off to tend to the new customers as Sra. Vasquez spoke in her heavy accent.

"Tómas es muy lindo, I see," she winked, "but I creo que you may already have a beloved." Lily looked up, startled.

"What makes you say that, Señora?" But Señora Vasquez did not reply except for a smile that made her eyes crinkle even further.

"I remember in my day," she continued, occasionally sipping her coffee, "I used to have muchos novios en un taim." Sip. "And when I met my 'osband, I must have been with cuatro o cinco sol-jers, tammies too, from 'deh Guerra del Mundo." Lily laughed, but she noticed that it was hardly the time. Mrs. Vasquez's eyes had glazed over in reminiscence.

"I remember, I was upset that I had wasted much time over just…nothing. When I met him, all that time, I thought to myself, fue mucho tiempo wasted," she choked on her words, and Lily waited patiently, having heard this story once before. "You must not wait. Find you 'deh passion, and stay with it. Do not wile away your time, looking. For if you wait too long, it may fly away like a bird, and life will never be 'deh same." Lily allowed a small laugh to escape from her lips. She had finally found that passion Sra. Vasquez was talking about. And how glad she was!

"Señora Vasquez, ¡Bienvenidos!" a voice said loudly from behind her. Lily sighed, willing herself to get up from the table. James Potter made his way over to their table and took Lily's hand. "I see you know my Lily?" he said. The lady nodded, smiling. Lily almost laughed at the effect he had on people. Even old ladies had crushes on him. How revolting! She pried his fingers off of her hand and began walking off.

"Ciao, Señora. Que tenga un buen dia," she said, as James jogged to catch up to her, waving to Sra. Vasquez in the process."

"You never told me you knew that old hag!" James said when they were out of earshot.

"I can't believe you did that to me James! She is _not_ an old hag, first off, and secondly, _I_ am not _your_ Lily! I never was, and I never will be." James was unfazed as he laughed and replied.

"Señora Maria Vasquez is a witch—which covers the hag part. She's an old family friend, Lily, I've known her since I was two! She says the same stories over and over and over and over and over and over and over and…" 

"Okay! I get the point," Lily interrupted, turning around, stopping him from walking any further down the narrow alleyway. She was suddenly aware of their close proximity, and regretted doing so instantly. She leaned closer, without willing to do so and felt James's eyes close on her cheek. Lily gasped out a feeble "no," but James' lip brushed against her neck and sent shivers down her spine. He suddenly jumped away, as if her touch electrified him, and they walked the rest of the way home making sure there was atleast 2 meters in between them at all times.

"Where have you been!" shouted Elena from the dining room, but soon her angry face appeared in front of them. Elena had been getting fat in the days since her husband's death. She was very much more affable with Lily, but unfortunately, Lily had become less trusting of her former-almost-mother-in-law.

"I went out for a walk, Elena, and James came to get me for Breakfast. So sorry I'm late," Lily said meekly and looked down at her feet. Elena looked at James, "Is this true, Jimmy?" she asked.

"Yes, mother." There was a mischievous smile on his face, but his mother disregarded it, long ago assuming that it was too permanent to attempt any change. He too sat down, cramming all the food he could get his hands on into his mouth. Lily, on the other hand, waited for Mrs. Potter to sit down, and then quaintly began nibbling on her toast. Elena thought that this girl had grown on her quite well, considering she was common street filth, but she had a severe inferiority complex that would be hard to break, not to mention that hideous temper…

"Mum," James said, sounding a bit slurred through a mouthful of food, "I was thinking of going out today to visit that old muggle castle, down in the Reyes Católicos?"

"Yes, James, you may go as long as Lily accompanies you," Elena replied, with a kind smile. Lily put down her fork softly and wiped her mouth with her napkin.

"Why, Elena? I'm sure James could find another escort in very little time that would better suit your interests," she protested politely.

"I'd rather he went with you, Lily darling, instead of some unknown girl, who might well be some muggle," Elena insisted sounding horrified at the very thought.

"But Elena," she began, but she was cut off.

"Lily, I will have no complaints on this topic. It is closed, as of now. Either James goes with you, or does not go at all." Elena looked at Lily, but Lily glared at James, who had a smug look on his face, as if he was trying not to giggle.

"Yes, madam," she replied through gritted teeth and excused herself.

As Lily was getting ready, she heard about the millionth whine from the other end of the villa they stayed in. 

"Mum! There is no floo powder! How are we supposed to get anywhere?!" Lily tried to block out the argument that was obviously about to take place, but in vain.

"James Joseph Edward! I am, frankly, tired of your incessant complaints! Try to live the simple life for once; have you ever stopped to think of the unfortunate people in the world who manage to get along without the pinch of floo powder in the life? God has given you legs, Jimmy, now _use them_."

"But mum!" he whined in response.

"No!" Elena screamed, "I will not have you ruining my vacation! May Merlin help you. Sometimes I wonder if you have a single ounce of compassion in your body. Just like your father."

"Then why the hell did you marry him, Mother?" James retorted.

"Shut up! Get out of my house this instant!" said Elena, and Lily heard a distant slam. She winced at the sound and slipped on her bangles, checking her reflection one last time before she exited. She saw the back of James's head on the velvet couch.

"I'm sorry," she said solemnly. He looked at her.

"What are you sorry for?"

"Your mother. But she is right, in one way, James," Lily lifted his cheek with her cold fingers. He refused to meet her eyes. "Try to imagine life from her perspective. She is having just as bad of a time as you are. If you have lost a father, she has lost her husband."

"That's no excuse." He pulled away from her touch. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't interfere in our relationship, Lily, you don't understand. Now let's go. If we're to walk, we have to beat the muggles and get there pretty early if we want to get in."

"Fair enough," Lily replied and they set off.

*

The beautiful view of the cathedral and James' presence next to her gave Lily a sense of harmony she had never before experienced. They walked up the hill (which was quite steep) and because of Lily's constant stops (she was tired) it took about an hour before they reached the first gate to the Alhambra. James was about to give up, but Lily insisted on seeing the palace.

There were other couples and even some students walking up the hill with them. They made friends with a few, and a lot of folks assumed that Lily and James were romantically involved and even offered to take pictures. James was happy to oblige, but Lily only became more and more disgruntled. In less than half an hour, they reached Alhambra. It was about nine in the morning. Lily was just beginning to enjoy the climate of the hilltop when James spoke, startling her.

"My mother and my father were never in love when they were married." Their eyes met as he explained. Lily sat on the railing around the entrance and James put his arm around her waist, her knees hanging by his chest. "Maybe before they were married, but the novelty wore off. They were always trying to make a good impression for me, but I never believed it."

"Oh," Lily said, feeling stupid. "I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"It's okay." He continued, "When he died, my mother finally let go of her "façade," she blamed it on herself. I'm tired of telling her to get over it, but I constantly feel like she's so wrapped up in her grief that she might never be my mother again. I've not only lost my dad, but my mum, as well." James turned his pleading eyes to her, "I always thought I had a perfect family, but now, with Voldemort and everything…" he trailed off, unsure of how to continue. Lily jumped off the railing, eager to let go of the subject, and took hold of the hand that was previously around her waist. They entered the palace.

Their first impression was awe. James tightened his grasp on her hand, and Lily could not stop looking at the inscriptions and the ceiling. Both teens were overcome with emotion and they walked through the place as if in a trance. Here was where James realized that he could never leave this girl that was next to him. This castle was a symbol of life: the good and the bad, the equilibrium that every man or woman had to witness before death, the next adventure. James felt that when he entered with Lily, it was an unsaid pact. They would never again walk through these passages without each other. Unfortunately, Lily did not share his sentiment.

On their way back down the hill, they saw the tombs of Ferdinand and Isabella. He told Lily about the historical significance of Granada in the days of the Spanish Conquest. Lily listened intently, not even commenting on its dullness as most girls would have. For the rest of the day, they roamed around, looking at the romantic beauty of the country, feeling more exalted every second. By the time they got back to the villa, they were tired, but in such high spirits that they did not get any sleep.

"James," Lily said, "how do you know all this?"

"Well, being the Minister's son does have its perks, doesn't it?" James winked and Lily rolled her eyes. 

"I had a great time, by the way," Lily said, hoping to sound nonchalant, but not too much. 

"Really?" James replied, and locked the door with his wand, disappearing behind a door to check on his mother. Lily took off her shoes and went to rekindle the flames in the fireplace with her tongs.

"What are you doing?" she soon heard James's voice question curiously from behind her.

"What do you mean?" she said, and grimaced as a spark hit her finger. She emerged from the fireplace, soot all over her face, and James couldn't help but laugh. "Shut up, James," Lily said indignantly.

"Sor-ry!" he mimicked in a high pitch. Lily pinned him to the floor playfully and grabbed ahold of both of his hands.

"Say it again!" she demanded, making sure she had a good grip on his hands before she sat on his stomach.

"Sorry!" he yelled once more through his guffaws.

"I couldn't hear you!" Lily said, and James stopped laughing. Lily quickly disentangled herself and pretended to put away the tongs. She chastised herself silently as James moved to the armchair.

"Why are you so afraid of me?" she heard James say.

"I don't understand." As Lily walked by him to seat herself on the large couch, James pulled her down into his lap. He made a soft motion with his thumb to wipe of the soot from her forehead. Their faces inched close, and Lily shut her eyes tightly, but James's lips never met hers.

"I'm not that bad?" She hated to hear that tone in his voice, and willingly, she engaged him in a kiss. When they broke away, James gave a crooked smile, and Lily, not even appalled that she had done such a thing, quickly pulled him into another one.

"Lily," James said a few days later as they walked down the familiar street hand in hand. 

"Yes?"

"Will you draw me another picture?"

"Well, it doesn't just come like that, I actually have to be angry or something." They reached the café, and sat down at a table. Tómas was nowhere to be seen, but another young fellow came up.

"Where is Tom," Lily asked in her accented Spanish. 

"It's quite a tragedy," the waiter said in the same, "Sra. Vasquez, our long-time customer had a stroke last night. She is in critical condition."

It hit her like a ton of bricks. Her words echoed through her brain '_do not wait…'_

"James!" Lily said, "We have to go visit her." James nodded and thanked the waiter. They walked off in the direction of the old woman's home, preparing for the worst. 

Señora Vasquez had passed away in her sleep.

"Lily, it's time to go!" Tom yelled from outside. He was loading the bags on to the taxi. Lily began counting down: three days till her birthday and only a few hours till she got back home. She lugged her carry bag and trudged toward the taxi. Three days to the true beginning of her life. 


	7. The Angel Glow

It was pure terror beyond anything he had imagined. In front of him lay the corpse. It was impossible! And yet here it was in front of his own eyes! Murdered by his innocent mother's hands. She hesitated to harm a fly?…

"What have you done?" he whispered. It seemed Elena had heard him, yet she ignored him. She stabbed the table, sobbing hysterically. James reached out. "Mother," he whispered.

"What?" she screamed, turning around, knife still in her frail, chubby hands.

James knew what he wanted to say to her. But he couldn't seem to be able to get it out. This was the sort of thing that happened in books. Muggle movies. She began moving towards him slowly, the knife poised in one hand, the wand in the other, ready.

"It's all your fault," she spat, in a hoarse whisper. "It's all your damn fault, James _Potter_!!"

"Mother what is this about?" he said. Was she still angry about his father? "Daddy?"

"Daddy?" she yelled. James jumped, taken by surprise. "You still think he's your daddy, don't you?" a malicious smile formed on Elena's lips. "You bastard!" James stared. His own mother had just called him a…

"Your _father_ was a rapist! And you…" she pointed her finger at him. James licked his lips, afraid of the revelation that was about to come.

"I have a binding spell put on me, boy." She grinned, and just as suddenly broke out in some sort of maniacal fit of giggles. James considered calling the Ministry. But, he decided, he would finally know the truth, and they would only ruin it. Did he really want to know it, though?

"The binding spell," she continued, breathless, "wore off when that son of a bitch died. I killed him, did you know that?"

"That's not possible, don't blame yourself, Volde—"

"Voldemort? Is that who you think killed him? It's a simple spell! Anyone can do it! Morsmordre! That's the magic word!" James stared with wide eyes. His mother…killed his father…? This was definitely a dream.

"No!" he yelled, willing himself to wake up. "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" he muttered to himself.

Elena seemed to be enjoying it.

"James," she said happily, "do you want to know who your mother is?" She didn't wait for him to answer. "Elizabeth Bottom."

"You deserve that piece of filth you've fallen in love with, because you are part of that filth!" she said.

"No!" he said out loud. Without warning, Elena began flying toward the ceiling.

"James!" she screeched. He wasn't aware that he was doing wandless magic, he was just willing her to go away…anywhere, just…away. 

She flew faster. 

This wasn't happening. He would wake up in a second. Whining to Lily about the exhausting trip back to The Hollow.

She flew even faster. 

Everything was ok. James closed his eyes. Letting go of this tension that weighed upon him. His mother, his dead father, his problems. His mind wandered back to the Hogwarts days. He was with Lily that day, behind Hagrid's hut, sharing the woolen cloak. He opened them, and nothing had changed.

No, no, no! 

There was a sickening thud. James looked to the direction of the noise. Elena Potter lay there, utterly dead. He looked at his hands. He did it. He gazed up at the dome-shaped ceiling that rose high into the air. He'd murdered his mother.

Lily grimaced. The room was stuffy and smelt of marijuana and minty alcohol. James had yet another row with his mother. She only heard muffled yells this time, so did not know really what the conversation was about. She was sure, however, that it was something trivial enough to let them blame each other without feeling guilty about it. Damn the Minister for dying. She sighed aloud, wondering if she was stuck with them for life. Sure, every family was dysfunctional, atleast she had heard people saying it, having never been part of one, but she felt this was going a bit far.

Would they seem like a family to a stranger? She would stand out so much, with her copper hair and green eyes. It would contrast much with Elena's blonde, pale and regal figure.

Lily noticed something. James looked nothing like his mother or father, the Minister.

James looked like…

No, that was impossible. Lily looked at his figure in peaceful slumber. He was leaning his head lightly on her shoulder. She recalled her memory of…wait, that was impossible! As if sensing her stiffen, James stirred awake. He yawned as the thunder rumbled relentlessly beneath their feet. The room lit up with the light of the lightning through the glass window. A man lit another joint and the pair shifted; a few withery looking old women shuffled noisily. There wasn't a storm like this in almost a century.

"Oh where are we?" James asked, rubbing his eyes.

It had hardly been fifteen minutes since Lily's last coherent thought about the rain. 

"You're awake, are you?" Lily said, yawning at the sight of him. 

"Are we still in Spain? I had this horrible dream that I was yelling, and my mother'd locked me in with the dementor's and it wouldn't bloody stop raining and…" James' voice died in his throat. His eyes fell on the large glass window across the room. It was now properly hailing.

Scanning the room, he noticed the weak old men, with skin wrinkled on their shrunken bones. Their hair was grey for those who had any. In the light, their eyes were so hollow and so lusterless that James thought they were—

"They do like dementor's don't they?" he heard Lily say, "Not that I've ever seen one, just imagined, you know?" Her voice was soft and mournful. 

"Why did you get us to this place, James? Where the hell are we?" Lily asked in a panicked tone.

"Oh…" he paused, thinking of a lie, or just an excuse that could hold her off long enough. "I don't know…yet."

Lily sighed dejectedly. Why wouldn't he tell her?

"Let's go," he said, grabbing her hand so tightly as if he was scared to leave her. They went up the creaky wooden stairs to a small, decrepit door. James knocked and Lily was so surprised by the person who opened it that she could hardly sustain herself from launching herself at him. James, on the other hand, only just stumbled through the doorway in a preternatural state. He felt so depressed. What was he supposed to tell Lily? She was the only one who trusted him. How innocent she was! The dry, burning feeling made it's way to his throat and he gritted his teeth. She was the only one who didn't hate him. What would he ever do if she were to leave?

"It was an accident, Cornelius," Dumbledore said a few miles away at the Potter cottage.

"But, Albus, Hogwarts was supposed to curb his powers. Accidents such as this don't occur to Hogwarts graduates—and Head Students no less! This was intentional!" 

"It is only an indication of the Power. I will have no more on this topic. Clean up this mess, and make sure these people," he gestured to the magi-forensic wizards, "Remember nothing of this." Fudge muttered something in protest, but at the sight of the Headmaster's eyes, was silenced instantly. 

"What do I tell them?"

"Honestly, Cornelius," Dumbledore retorted, "Can you do nothing by yourself?"

"Yes, sir, I certainly will." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled solemnly and he promptly disapparated to lot beside the Black Forest, just a short distance away.

*

"Remus!" Lily squeaked as she entered his old flat. He easily picked her up and embraced her, but kept his eyes on his best friend.

"Where's Sirius?" he asked them. 

"Dunno, haven't seen him since James's party," Lily answered. James sat himself on the sofa. Noticing the miserable look on his face, Remus asked Lily if she knew what was wrong. She shook her head, biting her lip. There was a knock at the door.

"Hold on, I'll get it," Remus said and fearfully unlatched the wooden entrance. Dumbledore stood there, surprisingly dry, with a grave look on his face.

"Professor!" James said, "Please don't let them take me, it was an accident!" Dumbledore raised a withered hand in the air.

"It's ok, James, no one is taking you anywhere." He looked immensely relieved, and Lily and Remus glanced at each other, puzzled. "I do, however, want you to tell your friends, they must be worried." James started in protest, but before he could say anything, he was interrupted by a gust of wind.

"James!" came a voice from the doorway, "I just heard, man, are you okay?" Lily recognized the voice as Sirius, and she was surprised when he embraced her boyfriend as if someone had just died.

"You mean…" James began, "you mean you don't hate me?" Remus watched, as confused as ever.

"Of course not, Prongs. I don't think you did it on purpose."

"Yes, James," Dumbledore added, "I do believe that what you did may have even helped more than it harmed."

"ENOUGH!" They turned toward the voice. Lily.

"James Potter, _you_ are going to tell me _now_ what the hell is going on 'ere!"

"I killed my mother," he began, and recounted all the events from the house elf murder to his parentage. He did not leave out the part about Lily, because Dumbledore would obviously know if he was lying, and he had to say everything, just in case.

When James was finished, a thick silence enveloped the room. Remus was wondering about how all of this would be covered up, Dumbledore about how to console James, and Lily…about where she had heard the name Elizabeth Bottom before.

"James," she said, "Do you know this Elizabeth person?"

Lily thought she saw a flash of guilt in James's face, and sure enough, he hesitated a bit before he spoke. "Ashley's mother."

Of course, this meant nothing to the other three inhabitants in the room, but Lily's face suddenly became white and ashen. Even in the dim lit apartment, with only a flickering tubelight in the corner for it's entirety, James could see that it meant something to Lily. It was a very big something, that apparently became a bigger something as she hurriedly began to flee the room. James made no attempt to stop her, and when Sirius and Remus did, Dumbledore only laid a restricting hand upon each of their shoulders. 

Toni, or Ashley, was Lily's only friend. Her only true friend in the world, in her lifetime. Ashley had lied to her. Ashley did not trust her, even when they saw each other at James Potter's birthday party. Surely, she could've told her then? So James was an illegitimate child of the Minister of Magic, and Ashley was his half-sister. Everyone had family issues? Was she really that bad that no one could trust her with anything? 


	8. That Lights a Star

The hours passed slowly for Lily at Remus's. There was always some sort of commotion, muggle police cars wailing in the darkness, or the hacking coughs of the old men. Sometimes people would even get arrested, and try to fight the Ministry Wizards off.. These were the times Lily relished the most. For most of her stay, she sat staring impassively out of the small window in the living room: the one she initially assumed was the whole of the apartment.

Beside what happened outside the window, there was always something going on inside the flat. James and his lawyers, or James and Dumbledore, the lawyers and the Ministry, or the Ministry and Dumbledore, Dumbledore and the lawyers, and very rarely all of them together were always discussing some sort of arrangement or other. Lily thought it rather funny, that in the end the situation would be no less desperate, all this discussing was doing nothing but making her laugh her brains out.

James was avoiding Lily. Properly, James was avoiding everyone but Dumbledore. 

No, _properly_, everyone was avoiding everyone else but Dumbledore. When Remus and Sirius tried to talk to Lily or James, they were ignored. When Sirius talked to Remus, they were interrupted, and of course, Lily and James would never again, it seemed, talk of their free will, to each other. 

So Lily amused herself with laughing at everything. When situations became poignant or sad or violent, she would laugh. When she was reminded of something particularly agonizing, she would laugh. When Dumbledore had something to say, she would try to keep it to herself, but burst out laughing in the end.

Is this how it was? She wondered. So in the end, people just went crazy? Was life this unfair to everyone? She reprimanded herself. Life was not unfair. She was crazy, not hypocritical. 

She would often lock herself up in the "window" room, she wasn't even sure for how long. It seemed that the world was waiting for a change, and restlessly, she too was waiting along with it. These sorts of things kept happening to her! First, she's orphanated, then Petunia hates her, and then this James Potter character starts taunting her! Where was this leading? Obviously, there was some point in all of this. She wondered. There was some point in life, wasn't there?

She had never been much of an extrovert. She was always content in her own solitude, often because she hadn't much of a choice, but nevertheless, she was a very romantic person. In her repose in the window room, Lily thought of Joanna Vasquez. It was almost like a premonition, her death, of these thoughts that she was constantly analyzing. 

Lily passed her eighteenth birthday in that very room, not even noticing. James came in to wish her a good birthday, but retreated, seeing her hate-filled eyes. And then there was James, she mused to herself. He was the only hope in her life. It seemed that she could no longer live without him. He was the only one who truly ever loved her, but she wasn't quite sure that she loved him. Did she even know how to love?

There was, of course, this deep passion in her heart whenever she thought of him, but she had felt that passion when she was with the Duncan fellow. So then, that wasn't love. She loved her parents, certainly, but she hardly remembered, she was only four when they'd passed. She loved Ashley. Loved, in the _past _tense. So Ashley was Potter's sister. Ashley knew, and she didn't tell Lily. But why was she upset about that? And why was she upset with James?

She often heard about trust, and faith. Was that applicable somewhere in here? 

There was a knock at the door. Lily stood up to get it. James, Dumbledore, Fudge and the lawyers turned their attentions expectantly. There was another impatient knock. Lily struggled with the doorknob for a bit, then yanked it open abruptly.

"Snape!" Lily cried, speaking for the first time in…well…a week.

"Lily! How are you?" Snape stooped down and hugged her very tight, then bustled through the doorway in his stately manner. The people inside were all very speechless, including Dumbledore, and that was nothing short of a miracle. 

"Yes, Dumbledore, sir, I have some good news," Snape said finally, shedding his wet cloak hurriedly and putting it in Lily's free hand.

"I have succeeded in getting Ashley to change her name."

"What?" Lily cried, "How do you know her? Wait, she _is_ alright?" 

Lily continued blubbering in that manner for almost a minute before Snape collected his wits enough to answer.

"Lily, darling, Calm Down." He touched her arm in a soothing manner, and it was all Lily could do to stop screaming. It seemed some sort of inhuman spirit had possessed the Sinister Snape and was trying to suck the evilness out of him.

"Yes, Toni is fine. Didn't you know I was engaged to her?" he briefly flashed his bonding scar on the inside of his elbow as proof. Sadly enough, it was not far above the Dark Mark that was now a dormant blackish colour.

"Wait a second, how the hell did you get her to agree to it?"

Snape looked a bit hurt for a second, and it was a rather funny thing to witness in his already sour and pallid face.

"Well…she was the one that proposed." Lily began laughing sardonically. When she stopped, she realized that it was a stupid thing to do. She had to get used to the idea eventually…?

"So what has she changed her name to, then?" Dumbledore asked in a 'get-on-with-it' tone of voice. It seemed he was quite frustrated with Lily's little midlife crisis. One of James's lawyers coughed politely into his handkerchief.

"Arabella Figg," Snape replied.

"That's nice," Lily mused thoughtfully, and walked dazedly back to the windowsill. There was nothing more to interest her. Snape and Dumbledore began talking of very Voldemort-ish things, and James and his lawyers would interrupt occasionally with some very helpful comment. Lily remembered seeing Remus and Sirius walking toward the building, obviously on their way back from work at the Leaky Cauldron. She drifted off to sleep, leaning her head against the cold windowsill. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms about her, yawning one last time. 

James was staring. He had to get Lily out of this depressed state if it meant his life. The lawyers and Dumbledore were currently discussing something about Voldemort's plans to raid Hogsmeade. How much did he care for Voldemort anyway? As long as he stayed away from Lily, things were all good.

The next night, James picked Lily up and apparated to the Leaky Cauldron, fully bent on getting her spirits up. It was only the dismal mood of the place. A cheerful atmosphere with lots of friendly people was sure to get her happy again.

"What are you doing, James?" Lily asked frantically, when she awoke. Tears sprang to her eyes for no reason. She'd had enough of this enigma that was James Potter. Why did he have to toy around with her like that? 

"Lily, come on! Shh…" Tom saw the two and waved them over.

"Do you need a room?" he mouthed to James. He nodded desperately as Lily continued raving her heart out at him.

"….You can't just rush me around everywhere you please _Potter_!" she cried finally. James pushed open the door to their room and dragged her inside. Lily began again, "What in the world are you thinking in that little head of yours, James, I've had quite enough of your little riddles!" James growled and pulled her harshly to him. Lily quickly shut up, scared. James never used any force on her. 

Her father had abused her mother a long time ago, and she often thought of how it would feel. He was a drunkard. He was driving drunk the night he died, the night of the car accident. Lily cringed at the memory, shouldn't she have forgotten? She was too young to remember it so well. James seemed to notice, but he didn't let go of the tight hold he had on her hand. The door locked itself, and Lily started as it did so. Of course, James did it wandlessly.

"I'm sorry," she gasped, sounding genuinely afraid. James realized what she was thinking by the sound of her voice and suddenly let go of her hand.

"I would never hurt you!" he said, surprised. Without waiting for her to reply, he kissed her lips. Lily kissed back willingly, tired of struggling against her stupid emotions. When James began to taste the salty tears that Lily was inadvertently shedding, he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" Lily asked dejectedly.

"Why are you crying?" he retorted.

"I dunno!" she said. She sat down on the double bed in the middle of the room. James sat next to her.

"I do though," he put her arm around her, "Everything just seems to be going against us, Lillums." 

Lily looked at him. Where did that come from? She accepted the nickname soon, although, taking it as a sign that he still showed some affection for her. However weird 'Lillums' was.

"I know. Maybe you should just stay away from me James. Everything was going just perfect until I jumped in your life.

"But I can't live without you."

Now that the declaration was actually out in the open, Lily felt more scared than exhilarated or happy. It was in the way that he said it. Their mutual love was supposed to be a haven, something to trust in, not dangerous and fateful.

"Me too," Lily added, turning around and clasping her arms around him. They clung to each other until the last of the candles flickered out. The giant clock in the lobby faintly struck three, and James pulled away reluctantly. 

"You have to sleep," he told her. She nodded, and since they had grown quite accustomed to the moonlight, they crawled further up the bed and underneath the covers. The summer was quite warm, but they were both too tired to notice.

"You're up," James said, pulling Lily out of bed by her hands. "Let's go, if we're to eat breakfast, or atleast a brunch, you have to start getting ready now!"

"Hm.." Lily replied, "James?"

"Yes, Lillums?"

"Isn't it just a bit obvious for Dumbledore to find us if we go on prancing about Diagon Alley at eleven o' clock in the morning?"

"Oh, don't worry, he knows that we're at the Leaky Cauldron." Lily could hardly contain her happiness though she dared not show it. So being with James was perfectly legal for once! No obligations!

"Well, that's good then," she said softly and got out of the bed. "Shall we go visit Sirius later on, then?" she asked, handing James the hand towel. She pushed him out of the bathroom.

"Sure, Lily, just as long as we don't go stay in that depressing place of theirs."

"Why does he stay there anyway, James?" She performed a few cleaning charms on herself as they didn't have much time.

"Because, of his…circumstances…he didn't get board anywhere," James said somewhat sadly, yanking on his robes as Lily came out in her bathrobe.

"Poor Remus." James handed Lily's robes to her and turned around as she got changed. She opened the door for him as he headed out. She locked the door and slipped the key in James' robe-pocket. 

"I daresay we make a pretty good team," James said as they sat in the lobby, sipping the bitter black coffee. James smirked and Lily pelted him fondly across the head.

"Pervert," she remarked under her breath. "I could get used to this," James said, and Lily suppressed a smile. 

*

"…so he told me about his idea of the _Order of the Pheonix_, and I agreed. We'd be like a subclause to the Ministry Aurors, of course, but it's much more secretive." James looked at Lily's pensive face.

"I'm in," she said. "Now let's go get some money, I need more coffee if we're to finish all this paperwork before tonight."

"Okay. We can't stay in the Leaky Cauldron forever though. I've been looking at a flat in the Hollow, not too far from the mansion. Until the formalities are all cleared up, and then we can move in there."

"Are you sure, James?" Lily asked. The thought of being so close to such painful memories brought tears to Lily's eyes. She dared not think of how bad James felt.

"Yeah, Lily, I'm over it." Lily didn't believe him, but she decided just to keep an eye on him. They could always move out. Being rich certainly had it's advantages. "Besides," he continued, "aren't you looking forward to being the mistress of one of the greatest fortunes in all of England's magical community?"

"Don't be silly. I wouldn't know what to do with all that money anyway."

"So Lily," James drawled a few hours of paperwork later, "You never celebrated your birthday, how about we take a break and go to the Alchemy?" Lily giggled.

"We have work, James!" she said firmly, "oh fine!" she relented finally at the sight of James pouty puppy face. "I suppose meeting some nice hot guys is the best way I can think of to celebrate my _eighteenth_ birthday."

"Ok! I changed my mind, we do have a lot of work to do."

"Too late!" 


	9. The Dearest Things

I read a book once, can't remember the name of it or the author or anything. It was a pretty good book. Well written, nice characters, very little plot flaws. There was a spelling error though, towards the end. Ironic that I should remember a spelling error in some insignificant portion of the book but not the important stuff of it. I think it was my first magical book. I read it way back when I was in the orphanage, right before I got my letter. Toni gave it to me.

Her real name was Antoinette. Antoinette Pierce. She had really blond hair back then. Everyone in the orphanage would talk about it. Blond hair and sort of light brown eyes. The sister in charge of us used to call her Sunny. I called her Toni, of course. I used to tell her everything, even when I was really young. We pretended we were twins, and we could read each others' minds. We actually could... sometimes.

We used to imagine we were serial killers. We would run away from the orphanage one day and go learn magic from Mrs. Figg. And then we would bring all the people we killed back from the dead and apologize to them. We only did it 'coz it seemed fun at the time. All the people on the news were doing it. Toni was really close to her—Mrs. Figg I mean; they talked a lot more. Petunia would always come to get me before they said anything important. 

Petunia is married to Vernon now. They sent me a post. They're in Greece. If I know my sister, it's probably their fifth honeymoon or something. She's pregnant, obviously; with all the hints she's dropping, either she's pregnant or Vernon's mental enough to go off and live in the spare nursery they're redecorating. I pray for the kid, really, just hope it doesn't turn out too ugly. I wouldn't be too surprised, either way.

Mr. Smeltings got arrested for possession of illegal items yesterday. I figure he finally got busted for the Basilisks he was trying to raise. He was moaning about not being able to speak Parseltongue: I could hear through the wall. I probably should get Remus to put some Silencing Charms on this place. I mean, if I can hear him, it must work the other way around too. Not that there's anything _that_ important to hear anyway. James and the others (even Dumbledore) like to pretend there is, but sometimes I wonder: if in the end, everything is still the same, if James's mother is still not his mother, even if she's dead, if I'm still an orphan, and if James and I still die at Voldemort's hand, what's the point in fighting for that extra minute in this mundane world? El mundo. That's the Spanish word for World. 

Spain wasn't mundane. I wish I could see Joanna again. For someone that I only knew for about two months, and spoke to only for about an hour a day, Joanna seems to be the person who really _knows_ me the most out of anyone in this world. That's not true actually: Toni was like that too. But now Toni is _Ashley_. Ashley Potter, used to be Antoinette Bottom. I suppose Mr. Potter's sister was only so imaginative. Thank goodness they hadn't named her _Ophelia_ or anything like that. I'd get quite a giggle out of that one.

James is staring again. All I did was giggle! Wait, now the lawyers are staring. Why does that boy have to go and make a spectacle out of every single damn thing that I do? Speaking of spectacles, I really don't like that one with the thick black frames on. He keeps whispering things to James. I couldn't help but laugh again. What does he think, that I'm a bad influence on his client? Oh God, now I can't breathe. Dumbledore just came in. He has that "Poor Ms. Evans" face on again. Fine then. I'll just stop now. Pretend I didn't do anything. . .I didn't, actually.

James understands me too. 

I think I must be crazy. I really really love him. To the point of insanity. It's unexplainable, like something explicit, porn... but we don't do anything. He came to see me on my birthday. He came and kissed my forehead and sat down, holding my hand. I was pretending to be asleep. He scampered off when I woke up. Like I was some kind of monster.

Is he scared of me? I love him, I do crazily. I always have, I guess, if what I'm feeling is love. Sure doesn't feel like it, compared to all those Hollywood explanations. I don't have any butterflies, and I don't ever stutter, or do any of those ditzy things. I did think about him a lot though... It seems ages away when I used to have those childish fantasies. Of me and him talking and snogging in the Prefects' Bathroom. I remember thinking that he was some kind of God. If only he were as he was in my infatuated dreams. The perfect gentleman, with impeccable manners. Not that he isn't all those things, of course, it's just different, somehow. 

I hate him, in a sense. He's obnoxious and possessive, and very annoying. I could always tell what guys were thinking. And I've slept with every guy I...er, went with so far, but I have never slept with James. Does that mean I should stop feeling these...feelings?

I'm sleepy. Someone is knocking on the door. The glasses guy just snorted. I guess they expect me to get that.

Snape?? Oh spare me the ingenious comebacks, the last thing I'd want to do today is bash your face in with Dumbledore's beard.

"Lily! How are you?" he says. He hugs me. Did that just sound as awful as I think it did? I don't know what's wrong with him.

"Yes, Dumbledore, sir, I have some good news." There: now I've finally lost that last ounce of interest that I had. He hands me his smelly cloak, soaking wet and dripping all over the floor. Two words, I wanted to say: Magic, Idiot! But of course, I couldn't interrupt the almighty Dumbledore.

"I have succeeded in getting Ashley to change her name." Fat lot of good that's going to do for her. I'll investigate anyway: I mean she _was_ my best friend.

"Lily, darling, Calm Down. Yes, Toni is fine. Didn't you know I was engaged to her?" Calm Down? I'm really about to puke now. He shows me his little marriage symbol thing that they had to brand on him in the Ministry. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing...Branded: just like the cows they both were.

"Wait a second, how the hell did you get her to agree to it?" You greasy Slytherin PIG! Or snake...whatever.

"Well…she was the one that proposed." I'm sorry, I just couldn't control myself. Don't kill me now...

"So what has she changed her name to, then?" Dumbledore asks Snape. They deserve each other. As for me: I'd like to deserve some sleep.

James is staring again. Remus and Sirius are off work. I think I'm just going to close my eyes and pretend I'm asleep again. I love him... 

***

"So you need my help with some monkshood tea infusion potions?" He nods. Wakes me up at three in the morning for some damned tea? 

Obviously, I wouldn't mind helping, Potions was my favorite subject in Hogwarts. I liked Transfiguration a lot too, and I was wonderful at Charms, but Potions. . . Potions was just on a different level. I guess I sounded a bit more eager than I intended. I lit the kerosene stove that we were using. He didn't want the enchantment of the magic of the Potion fire to fiddle with the effects of the potion.

"Ok," he instructs me in his raspy voice, "The telluride cauldrons should be used in this case, we need some of the trace metal."

"Where did you get this, Snape? Tellurium cauldrons are. . . _costly_!"

"Never mind, add the Water Solutions, Are you sure that you checked the ionic content? It is high-altitude Alpen, right?" Never knew he was this bossy. Bossier than kumquats if I do say so myself.

I did appreciate what he was doing though. He's working on that Wolfsbane Potion that Dumbledore was talking about yesterday. Should I feel honoured that he was actually _seeking_ my help? Trusting me with his most beloved potion-work? Whatever his ulterior motive, I suppose I should put the speculation aside, this stuff would really help Remus, poor fellow. I put the shielding charm on my hands, here comes the good part.

"Be careful when we pull out the flowers, the white substance is highly potent," he adds, "even though we only need the white stuff." No, Duh.

"No, Duh Snapey-poo, I'll just eat it and die and put you out of your misery," I say. I hope I sound venomous enough. He chuckles, guess it didn't work.

"I'd rather you wait until the potion is finished, I need someone to test it on." Gosh be darned, was this Snape's humorous side poking out? I tried, but I couldn't laugh, lest some excessive amount of essence fall in the cauldron. 

"So tell me Snape," I initiated, it would be another hour or so until the first stage of the potion was complete. After this we had to add the Hibiscus and Billywig Ear brew reduction (which would take another four days). "Why do you like Potions so much?"

He looked at me strangely for a second. "Same reason as you, I suppose."

"Oh," I reply. I'm trying to make conversation here, help me out.

"So. . ." Snape almost has a cheery look on his face, "Why this sudden change in. . . er-demeanor?" 

"I dunno. I've always asked you to do Potions with me. Until you started hanging out with the two brats."

It was true. Back when my life was _simple_, Snape and I were Potions partners. So what? Kiss my ass, James Potter. I was your worst enemy's potions partner. We weren't even friends, really, Snape just wanted some Potions apprentice who knew the school well enough to steal supplies from the Potions stores and not get caught. Luckily, I knew all the secret passageways in the school.

"If you mean about Ashley," he begins again, I jump a little, "I just. . . expected she would be the er….. Gryffindor sort, but she wasn't."

"Oh?" So what was the Gryffindor sort, then?

"Just because I was in a house known for its ambition doesn't mean I'm…..Inhumane or something. I mean, I'm fighting for truth and justice and all that other crap, right?"

"No offense, Snape, but even though you have the trust and support of the "truth and justice" side, it doesn't make me any less perceptive of your true colours." Snape is gawking at me. I suppose he thought he'd covered it up so well. "You're just as transparent as anyone else."

"So tell me, Evans, what are my _true colors_, then?"

"Dumbledore. Even you have to give him due credit. You see that though Voldemort is making all this show of being the most powerful sorcerer of all eternity nonsense, you see Dumbledore's power for what it is. You think sucking up to him is somehow going to make you his _heir_ or something." Snape actually has the ignominy to smile. Idiot that he is besides, I thought he'd be atleast a bit surprised.

"And I suppose you think that I'm striving to become Headmaster of a _boarding school_ and suddenly I'll have world domination?"

"You're still power-hungry, Snape, I just can't figure why you're after Arabella. Unless you're really good in bed, _and_ loaded." Snape's expression suddenly shifts, he stops smiling in that irritatingly omniscient manner of his. He really loves Toni, after all, then?

"I hate to break this to you Evans, but..." I guess I'm doomed never to find out because he stops suddenly and looks behind him. His wand glowed and buzzed; we now had about thirty seconds to freeze it to absolute zero before it began eating away at the cauldron. I've had enough of this formal banter that I've been exchanging with Snape for the past two hours. He can take care of the rest of the potion himself. I need a bit more sleep. No doubt James and his lawyers would be up and arguing anytime now, I must relish the time, however little, that I have.


	10. I Know

_Is it for fear to wet a widow's eye
    That thou consumest thyself in single life?
    Ah! If thou issueless shalt hap to die
    The world will wail thee, like a makeless wife
    The world will be thy widow and still weep
    That thou no form of thee hast left behind
    When every private widow well may keep
    By children's eyes her husband's shape in mind_
    
    _ -(From Sonnet #9
    William Shakespeare)_

* * *

The rain tumbled down, seemingly in sheets, rather than droplets. There was a break for about a day, but only indecisively, then it started up again just as gradually as it stopped. For once, the muggles as well as the wizards agreed on one point. It didn't look like it would stop anytime soon. Life still went on as before, although, but with a certain air of gloom. News of Voldemort's evident rise had attained an almost permanent position on the Daily Prophet's front page.

"Lily," James whispered. Lily stirred beside him, and her eyes shone in the dark as she opened them fully.

"Yes," she pulled the sheets up around herself, feeling cold. The chill night air penetrated the small room. Her eyes wandered over to the window behind them, slightly open and clanging against its sill. "Geez, James, go close the window! I'm a bit under-dressed, don't you think?" she spat crankily.

James stretched his bare form and pulled in the window by its lock. As he was quite tall, he managed to lock the door without getting up. He continued, "Lily, you asleep?"

"No. What did you want to say?"

"Well I-" James hesitated. 

"Is it about Voldemort?" Lily asked, as she herself had been thinking about that issue earlier that day. 

"I wanted to tell you before you heard it from someone else," Lily looked panicked, "Myra McKinnon and her mother, they're--they're dead, Lily."

Lily felt the tears prickling at the back of her eyes, and she looked down at her hand, that was currently in James'. Somehow, though, she had the feeling that that wasn't the worst of it. For one, she hadn't known Myra that well anyway. "And?" she asked, almost fearfully. James sighed.

"They were killed because she was a seer. She foresaw something about Frank Longbottom, you know, the other boy in our year?" James seemed to be putting something off, and Lily had a pretty good idea of what it was.

"So what? Frank isn't d--" 

"No. Myra left a message in her wand, so the Mysteries department has a pretty good idea about where Voldemort is right now, and what he's planning to do. It's pretty bad."

"What's he planning to do, then?" she goaded him, anxious for him to get to the point, and feeling more and more fearful as he talked.

"He's planning on attacking Hogsmeade, Hogwarts if all goes as planned, and he's hiding out in the Forest. Dumbledore reckons some of the centaurs are hiding him out there."

"The Centaurs?! But I thought they were...I mean, you've spoken to them, right? They would never..."

"Hagrid doesn't believe it, says Aragog would've caught him--"

"No, Aragog is afraid of snakes, and Voldemort is the Heir of Slytherin, right?" She interrupted, but James shook his head and put his hand up.

"The Department of Mysteries approved the idea--the one I told you about, the order in knighthood? Well, they want to appoint a committee to be in charge of that. They've authorized Dumbledore to present the honor, and the first one to be knighted, or rather to _have_ been scheduled to be knighted was Frank."

"So you think Voldemort has found out about the Order? What does he care? I mean he should be glad, right?"

"He wants to destroy it. The Order. A lot of the people that Dumbledore is planning on knighting have already made the decision, and Myra said that Voldemort considers it some kind of petty hindrance."

Lily was silent. There was a flash of lightning outside, as if to give some kind of dramatic emphasis.

"Dumbledore wants me to investigate. He's sending me and a Ministry Auror that the Mysteries Department is insisting on. Lily..." James began, but he couldn't continue after looking at her face. "He thinks I know the forest best," James said after a bit.

"James," Lily began, "I'm not going to ask anything of you, I don't want any decision you make to be because of me," she stopped, choking on a tearless sob.

"Lily, please...if you don't want me to go, I wouldn't, you know that!"

"No! What is the Order about? Choosing the greater cause! It's about allegorical decisions James; putting the right thing before the selfish thing. What am I but your girlfriend? Does it sound right for a true and honorouble Gryffindor to choose a ephemeral passion before the welfare of the world?" Despite her efforts to convince James to go, the last part of her speech sounded bitterly sarcastic.

"No, Lillums, you know that's not true. We're all we have," he gestured wildly at her and himself. "An ephemeral passion? Is that what you think? For all I know, _you_ are my greater cause."

"All the sweet words are good and well, but in the end, you still have to make a decision," Lily said grimly. "Me...or Dumbledore."

"You," James said stubbornly, as soon as she'd stopped.

"James, as much as I hate this, you _have_ to go!" There was no reply.

"James! What about Frank? And Myra? Sirius, Snape, Remus, and all those people that Voldemort is targetting?!"

"I DON'T CARE!!" James barked. He angrily flung aside the covers. He slipped on his boxers and his T-shirt and paced across the room, his fists clenched tight.

"Prongs," Lily said warily, eyeing his glowing fingertips, "calm down."

"HOW?" James cried angrily, "I'm NOT going!"

"James," she said again, "come here. Sit on the bed and calm down." James stomped on the floor in frustration and unclenched his fists. In a flurry, the dresser beside the bed burst into flames and the wooden chair splintered down to a heap for no apparent reason.

"James," Lily said, fumbling for her wand on the futon and putting out the fire, which was just beginning to scorch at their unpacked underwear on the first shelf. Pulling her red robe around herself, she walked to his disheveled figure, his wand hand still glowing a dangerous red in the suffocating darkness. Her face was a grim mask. Putting her chilly hands on either side of the boy's face, she started "You have to get this under control. Where is this going James?"

He was silent. His eyes were closed, and hand still glowing.

"YOU WANT TO KILL ME?! SET ME ON FIRE?! HUH? ANSWER ME!!!" Her shrill voice cut through the tense silence. James hands glowed hot, turning whiter and brighter. They stood there poised for a few seconds, and soon, James's hand stopped glowing. Lily grasped it when she noticed, grimacing as it was still hot.

"Sorry, Lillums," he said quietly.

"Just don't do this on a regular basis, James," she grumbled, tying her robe, "It's bad for my vocal chords." He gave a shaky chuckle.

"What would I've done if you weren't here?" Lily smiled, sighing.

"Thank God I was." 

He put his large, bearish hands on her face, "What will you do without me?" he whispered. What if he died out there in the forest? Lily bit her lip, trying not to think of the possibility. "You know Lily, this may be our last night together."

"And it's almost over," she added. "There's so much we haven't talked about!" she said.

"So..."

"I love you." she sputtered.

"Wha--" 

"I love you."

"You know, that's the first time you've ever told me that."

"It's actually just the saying out loud part, I couldn't have let you leave without you knowing that for sure...I mean, you know that I love you," Lily rambled, having little experience on the subject. She did not ramble long however, as James caught her lips in a decidedly sweet kiss.

"Oh...er, phluch, ok stop." Lily put up her hands, hitting James' nose in the process. "Sorry," she said, "What I _don't_ want to do tonight is _that_. I've had enough thanks." James blushed.

"How about I tell you a Marauder's tale? Of how Peter saved Davey Gudgeon from being murdered by the Whomping Willow?" James adjusted his pillow and pushed Lily on the bed. As she had relatively quick reflexes herself, she caught James around the middle with her legs and pulled him down with her.

"Sure," she replied.

***

"Hey! Potter!"

"Vicky! How's it goin'?" James replied, wondering why on Earth he was here.

"I'm comin' with you, mate!" Wait, had he heard that right? Lily gave him a quizzical look, then James. Ludo Bagman, Captain of the Quidditch team before James, and current Beater for the Wimbourne Wasps stood in front of them, broomstick in hand, giving a broad smile.

"Hey! When did this happen?" Ludo said, pointing to Lily. Lily gave an indignant look. When did _this happen_?

"Lily Evans, Head Girl, Dueling Club President, '75?" He held out his hand and Lily grudgingly accepted it.

"Quidditch captain '69 to '74, all around dumb-looker?" she retorted.

"Smart one, Jamie, I'd hang on to her," Ludo said and winked at James. He gave an appreciative chuckle, but Lily glared at him murderously, and he stopped.

"So, where's Dumbledore?"

"He's off on Hogwarts business, school's starting up tomorrow, remember?" Ludo nodded.

"I hear you were offered a chaser position for the Wasps?" Ludo said, as they walked toward a table. Lily's ears perked up.

"Yeah, turned 'em down. Had to sort out my priorities, you know." James put his arms around Lily indicatively. She suppressed a smile.

"So what are you doing here?" James asked.

"Didn't you know? I'm going with you." Lily and James looked at each other discreetly, as Ludo went back to staring at a darkly cloaked witch ordering drinks at the bar. About ten minutes later, they saw Dumbledore coming in through the door of the Leaky Cauldron.

"Hello," he greeted, and Lily summoned a chair, greeting him back.

"Sir, I want to talk to you about something," she began, and Ludo suddenly looked away from the witch and at her.

"Yes, Lily, in regards to James's assignment? I believe I've already made arrangements for it." Before Lily could question further on what those were, Dumbledore addressed James and Ludo.

"And James, I'm sure you're wondering why Ludo is accompanying you?"

"Yes sir, but I certainly don't mind," James replied, eyeing his old friend for his reaction.

"I assumed so. The Ministry Auror had requested Ludo's presence for the same reason as well, I thought it would only be a bonus to you to have a friend along on this mission." Dumbledore's eyes flickered over to Ludo once more with a trace of suspicion. 

"So it's certain that the Ministry will have some part in this?" James said, closely studying Dumbledore's face.

"Yes, unfortunately," Dumbledore mused. He fingered his beard, and Lily noticed that Ludo looked just the smallest bit indignant.

"And Mr. Bagman, you have no concerns you wish to communicate?"

"No, sir, we're ready."

"Then I suggest we get going. You may go, Mr. Potter, Mr. Bagman, get your affairs in order."

"Ms. Evans," Dumbledore said, after they had departed. "I have arranged a position for you as Charms teacher at Hogwarts while Professor Flitwick takes a well deserved vacation." His eyes twinkled mischievously.

"Thank you," she said. Was this the old man's attempt to make her gain admiration for him or something? Regardless, she was thankful. Maybe it wouldn't be so dangerous if she were there at Hogwarts with him.

"Now go on, get packing." Lily smiled and stood up. Dumbledore was ok after all, then.


	11. What You Are

_From childhood's hour I have not been
    As others were; I have not seen
    As others saw; I could not bring
    My passions from a common spring
    From the same source I have not taken
    My sorrow, I could not awaken
    My heart to joy at the same tone
    And all I loved, I loved alone
    Then-in my childhood, in the dawn
    Of a most stormy life was drawn
    From every depth of good and ill
    The mystery which binds me still
    From the torrent, or the fountain
    From the red cliff of the mountain
    From the sun that round me rolled
    In its autumn tint of gold
    From the lightning in the sky
    As it passed me flying by
    From the thunder and the storm
    And the cloud that took the form
    When the rest of Heaven was blue
    Of a demon in my view._
    
    _ -**(From "Alone"
    Edgar A. Poe)**_

* * *

She scanned the menacing surroundings, as if she were hoping to find some sign of familiarity. As if she could. She did not know herself, and hoped to know everyone else. She stifled a sigh. There was about her a sort of sudden annoying amnesia. A few hours earlier, she had known, she could remember so many things, yet all she knew now was a one-walled room, of which she could see no other part. Only the frail and splintery wall of knotty oak in front of her. An untamed, natural and inhuman sort of oak. 

She sought to touch the wall for some reason. It obviously held some importance to her survival, or rather--an escape from her constricting amnesia. She looked down at her feet, blue and stinging, and bound with a tight snake-leather rope. Looking closer, she heard it hiss. The snake nodded its head as if warning her not to move. She suddenly felt its strong and slippery muscles, tightening around the remaining few active veins in her legs. How could she escape? This was hopeless. It was clear that now all that was left, keeping her from the grasp of Death was her magic. She hadn't an ounce of physical strength. 

But she couldn't give up! She had a feeling that this was a very important fate which was in her hands. There was one last chance, a very slight--but nonetheless a chance. She had to reach the tree. Just a few inches in front of her.

The girl wiggled her white fingers, as if testing the extent of her strength. A very important fate, she reminded herself. The feeling in her legs was completely gone. She closed her eyes tightly, imagining the wall, pulling it closer, closer and closer. The snake hissed cryptically. "Don't do it," it said, "Don't do it," it kept hissing, but she paid no heed. She pulled it closer, and the ground shook beneath her. The wall came closer, and her metal chair grated against the bedrock. She was so close to the wall that she could smell its earthy, green security. The tip of her finger touched it, but she retracted her arm swiftly but a searing pain shot through her. 

The snake--it had gotten her. There were its fangs embedded in her thigh, and there lethal blackish poison was already, eerily discernible as it seeped through her blood.

She screamed, unconsciously, and the branches of poison reached out like crude oil that had been poured in a clear stream. The snake smiled at her with its intelligent eyes and stuck its forked tongue at her in triumph. Her vision became splotchy, and the nerves in her face twitched. She felt herself slipping into blissful blackness. 

Blissful? No, this was a lazy bliss. She did nothing to deserve this bliss. She was dying with no identity. She felt that if she gave in to the blackness now, she would lose whatever life it was that the inaccessible oak hid. She gave a desperate kick in her resolution, with the last ounce of her magic, and though she hit something relatively hard and scratchy, slipped into a fatal faint.

* * *

All the curious eyes were now directed toward Dumbledore. Flitwick was taking a...break? There was a quiet cough from one of the staff behind him.

"Yes, you have heard me correctly, my young and talented, yet gossipy little students, your favorite Head of House, as well as the greatest Charms teacher since the great Rowena herself, is off on vacation in Jamaica. First time in fifty years, if I may add," he mused. There was a wave of whispers starting at the Ravenclaw table and spreading soon throughout the hall. Dumbledore clinked his spoon against his porcelain plate.

"Quiet," he said, "to replace our dear Professor Flitwick, is recent Hogwarts graduate, Lily Evans, and her faithful assistant, Sirius Black." Lily and Sirius stepped forward as the Headmaster beckoned them, and there were many happy exclamations through the Great Hall. Dumbledore smiled, and gave a sweeping gesture at Sirius. Lily, too, gave a feeble groan, suppressing a smile.

"My willing pupils! I am the famed Messr. Padfoot, here to instruct you on the finer aspects of trick charms!" A second-year Gryffindor gave a cheer, and McGonagall coughed loudly. "Oh, sorry Professor, I meant...er...healing charms or...erm--something else." He pushed Lily in front of him, and took his seat as the students cheered. Many of the prefects, Slytherins, and some younger years looked indignant, or bewildered, and glared (or glanced) at Dumbledore as if waiting for him to fire the new "substitute". Lily gave a shrill "Shut up!", and all the attention snapped to her at once.

"I see many familiar faces here," she winked at the little boy who was cheering at Sirius (Bill Weasley) who had practically epitomized the Marauders when he'd first come to Hogwarts, and glanced at Truman, who now proudly bore a Prefect's Badge and was standing by the door ready to lead the first years to their dorms. "I also see many that are not." She then glanced at a group of First-Year Slytherin girls who eyed her stern, unsmiling figure with vague interest. "I hope you learn as much from me as I hope to learn from you," she gave a stony glower at McCormick, a Slytherin who she'd caught making Veritaserum in her term of Head Girl. He stared back at her boldly, but she broke eye contact first. "And of course," she said, unexpectedly smiling, "Monsieur Padfoot." 

Lily looked at Dumbledore, who nodded sleepily. "But for now, you are dismissed. First years, find your prefects, they will lead you to your respective dormitories. Head Boy and Girl please see Professor McGonagall for a short briefing," Lily finished, doing her best to imitate McGonagall's end of Feast speech. As the students loudly exited the Hall, Lily looked around for James, who was supposed to be meeting her before his First Watch in the forest. As she did so, she didn't notice Sirius, who was staring at her intently. Suddenly, there was a tap on his shoulder.

"Yes? And who might you be?" There stood a slightly chubby, yet shapely figure of a girl.

"Zelda...er, Hufflepuff...Fifth-year," she said, brokenly, sticking out her well-manicured hand. 

"Hullo, Zelda." He flashed her a charming grin. He felt a sharp pain in his left ear.

"Ow! Lily, what are you doing?" Zelda glanced timidly at Lily, who held Sirius's ear in her hands, and was smiling at Zelda, ignoring his protests.

"'Lo Zelda, you must excuse _Professor Black_ here, he hasn't yet GROWN UP." Zelda giggled.

"Oh I don't mind," she said, "I was just wondering if...er-you, professor, and Mr. Black were...er--involved." 

Lily raised her eyebrows as Sirius smiled cockily at his companion. "Fortunately not, my dear Zelda," he replied. Lily grimaced. She was too young for him! Of course, Sirius was disgusting like that.

Zelda smiled. "Good." she said, giving him a broad grin. She walked off as Sirius watched her retreating figure. Specific portions of her retreating figure. Protruding, voluptuous portions of her retreating figure.

"Sirius!" Lily yelled, when she noticed what he was looking at. She hit him across the head.

"OW!! What is _up_ with this abuse??" he yelled indignantly.

"I? Abuse? She's _fifteen_!"

"I'm _eighteen_!" he mimicked. Lily stuck out her tongue at him.

"Jealous are you, Professor Evans?"

"Of course not, I feel sorry for the poor girl, that's all," Lily said. Sirius gave a secretive smile, as if suppressing a giggle.

"I'm not so sure," Sirius retorted, grinning again, conspiratorially.

"I'm sorry Sirius, no matter how hard and long you wish, I'm the one with a love life, while yours is hardly existent."

"Oh? Well, enlighten me, why don't you?" Sirius said, his eyes flickering with amusement.

"Whatever, Monsieur Padfoot. If the best you can do is an underage Hufflepuff's infatuation, I'm afraid you haven't much going for you for _me_ to be jealo--JAMES!" Sirius burst out laughing as James picked her up from behind her. She turned around, and cupping her hands about his cheeks, she shook his head, eyes brimming with tears. "You prig," she whispered. He fingered her straight auburn hair and kissed her high brows.

"Save it for the wedding, there are children here, for Merlin's sake," Sirius said playfully. Lily and James turned toward Sirius.

"I found our rooms, that's why I was late. It was in the Map, I'll show it to you guys," James said.

"Let's go then, I'm so sleepy I'm about to collapse," said Sirius.

"I still haven't finished my lesson plans for tomorrow, so I'll go to the Holdout for a while, I think." Lily said, scanning James' face for his reaction. He kept it carefully blank.

"Ok, its the Sir Cadogan passageway. Don't worry about the password." He glared at her. 

"Am I missing something here?" Sirius interrupted cheerfully.

"No." They replied together.

*

"Right, class," said Sirius, "your Professor is running a bit late, for...er-personal reasons, but we will get to work on--"

"I'm here! Siri don't start without me!" Lily skidded in the classroom, disheveled and gasping. There were a few chuckles from around the room. "Oh wonderful!" she paused to catch her breath, "We have Seventh Years Gryffindors first."

"Yeah, Lils, you didn't get your schedule?" a boy said from the front of the classroom, snickering.

"Shut up Diggs, remember, I have power over you now. _You're_ still a student." Lily marched to the front of the classroom, smoothing her hair.

"Okay, you know the drill, get out your wands and show me your five basic spells. Sigmund Arthur, up first. Oh you're Head Boy! How's your aunt by the way? Sibyll, wasn't it?" she said.

"Yeah, she's back to teaching Divination now. She's up in the North Tower most of the time. We can go see her tonight if you want. If she's not there, I could always come up with other things." Arthur winked.

"I'd watch it if I were you Siggy, don't want your Quidditch Captain to beat you up, now do you?" said Sirius.

"Who Amos? You're with Amos?"

"No, you moron!" Lily squealed, "Now do your charms." Sigmund did his elemental spells: Wingardium Leviosa for the air element, Petrificus Totalus for stone, Frescuae Aquicae for water, Incendio for fire, and finally a very complex transfiguration charm "Ferros Transmogrificus" for short to transform freshly mined Iron into Pyhorrite. 

"Good job, Arthur--watch your Incendio, it was too strong; Berthy, you're up." Lily marked her pad and tapped the desk of Belladona Berthy--a painfully shy Prefect and Chaser for the House Team.

She did the charms perfectly, and Lily awarded her five points before moving on to Amos Diggory, slightly cocky, but quite handsome. As he did his charms, and Lily nodded (or frowned) accordingly, Sirius began munching on a remaining strip of bacon from Breakfast. He was looking extremely nervous as he moved on to his transfiguration spell. It was more than justified, because as soon as he chanted the incantation, the Iron combusted into a million shards. Lily gave a shriek and ducked, as many others did the same. Sirius jumped up and dropped his bacon as a girl in the back ran up to him yelling incoherently.

"WHAT'S WRONG?" he yelled back. Some offending particles had gotten into her eyes. Lily looked at them and quickly took command. 

"Diggs, escort...her to the Hospital Wing. Now, who else doesn't know the last spell?" A few more hands went up. "So all of you that just raised your hands, go to one side of the room. Sirius, help them please," Lily said sternly, moving to one side of the classroom and continuing her diagnostic test. Nothing more of excitement occurred for the rest of the day until the third year Ravenclaws: one of whom blew up his pillow (Expelliarmus) and set off a chain reaction. Pretty soon, the hysterical pillows were flying all across the room, and Lily had to individually coax them to stop. Sirius had (for the fifth time that day) wandered off, leaving her to handle things alone. Needless to say, she was quite disappointed at the end of her workday.

Sirius and Lily walked about the Hogwarts grounds, Lily smoking a Marlboro while Sirius was drawing letters with his wand. The sky was a hazy, cloudy pink, and the brisk twilight emanated a sense of commencement. She threw down the butt of her cigarette and it disintegrated at a direction of her wand. Hagrid was walking deliberately up to them, swathed in his thick and itchy looking woolen cloak.

"Hello, lad! and Lady! How were your first days of teachin'?" 

"Fine," Lily answered. "You're...er-Hargid? The gamekeeper?"

"Hagrid. Rubeus Hagrid, pleased ta've met yer, Lily Evans," he shook both her clamped hands with one of his own and shifted his eyes to Sirius, whose face currently bore a sign of fond recognition.

"How's it goin' Padfoot? Are your-eh-" Here Lily didn't quite hear what he said, "goin' a-right?" He winked.

"They're great Hagrid. And she knows, by the way, about Lupin and the others too. She in it with Prongs, you know, and he's always been the blabbermouth." 

"Sirius!" hissed Lily, blushing. Hagrid smiled at her warmly. She was clearly worthy enough to trust with their Animagi secret. He recalled how Sirius had the toughest time with getting the actual transformations, whereas he was totally in charge of the actual spelling magic. 

"How 'bout we have a cuppa tea inside?" He nodded toward his cabin, and Lily agreed, following.

"How about I make it, Hagrid?" Sirius suggested. 

*

Both Hagrid and Sirius caught Lily staring apprehensively out the small window many times as the evening (and the cup of teas) progressed. Sirius put his arm around her protectively as they continued the strained conversation.

"So I hear you've been certified by the Ministry, eh?"

"Yea, its no big deal really. Mrs. Potter insisted I--" she trailed off. Hagrid glanced at Sirius.

"How are the Arbollents doing?" Hagrid brightened a bit.

"Well, you know they can get very active at nights, but I'm worried about them. Haven't heard a peep lately." Hagrid glanced in the direction of the forest forebodingly. 

"If you don't mind, what are Arbollents?" Lily said.

"Oh well, they're endangered species. They can only be found here in our forest and in some portions of Queensland. The Whomping Willow's one of 'em if that gives you an idea of what they are," Hagrid rattled off happily. 

"So why do you reckon they haven't been doing anything lately."

"Well, they are the critt'rs that make Hogwarts such a safe place, you know, and they aren't usually too quick to ally."

"Helga Hufflepuff was the one to persuade them to come plant themselves here. She was killed in the attempt though, because one of the conditions for them to come was a to-the-death duel with their leader," Sirius added, "Dumbledore told me that the day I...you know...with Snape?" Lily nodded, turning back to Hagrid.

"They aren't really to be considered magical creatures, so ye kids don't learn about them. They are not any muggle creatures either, oh no! They have a sort of unexplainable magic of their own." Hagrid's black eyes gleamed in a mysterious light.

"Lately, since..." he looked around and lowered his voice, "_You-Know-Who _has been rumoured to've come to the Forest, they're quieter. They're eyes are always closed, and they hardly move at all." 

Suddenly, there was a bump at the door. A sort of grating noise was heard, and a faint clopping sound. Sirius and Lily held out their wands by instinct and Hagrid fumbled underneath the table, pulling out a pink umbrella and signalling quiet.

The grating sound grew louder, and there was a hollow tap accompanying it. Lily stood up abruptly, as if remembering something, and put away her wand.

"What are you doing?!" hissed Sirius, and Lily sighed. She ran to the door and opened it. There stood a stag, and on him was a layer of powdery snow. His body shook and the tip of his horn was broken, his forehead gashed. Lily pulled him inside slowly, and closed the wooden door. 


	12. Someday

_A/N: (Disclaimer) The observant ones may've noticed some slight plagiarism in that last chapter. For those who aren't that observant, or maybe, haven't read/seen LOTR, Arbollents are Ents. Actually they're like "los arboles" (trees) and "Ents" from the _ The Lord Of The Rings_, by J.R.R.Tolkien. They aren't EXACTLY like Ents, but a bit arrogant and impatient, etc, etc, you'll see. Enough of that, though; on with the story. _

* * *

**The city lights were twilight  
Though their noise was obstruction  
Your kiss was my privacy  
The visits to the veterans  
Lying in their war graves  
Your touch was my pride  
I held a plastic bouquet out  
And their feeble bony hands  
Reached out and grasped only the lilies   
For I had told you once  
How I loved them so  
And you found one to tuck in my hair  
Remember?  
Think of smelling my sunny mane  
And kissing through your fears  
Of the schoolhouse looming dark beyond  
It was only a splotch in the light  
For the sun was our star then  
And ahead the many fathoms  
That separate us (of fears, but, not water)  
I think: are you thinking of my now?  
And those times you are I see your deep brown eyes  
Your hands reach out  
And I do feel their heat flowing into mine  
I'll tuck a stray behind your ear  
That you may kiss me just once more  
Like you care.**

* * *

"I--had a--run in with--huff--couple--of--centaurs," James said.

"What? That's not possible! They would never hurt anyone!" Hagrid protested. Sirius agreed, asking hurriedly about the arbollents.

"One of them fended off the centaurs for me, but I'm still in pretty bad shape. Lily, hand me that rag, would you? My head is pounding like a bitch." Lily was dipping a wet turkish towel in a fuming liquid.

"Hold on, James. I turned the tea into an antiseptic, hope you don't mind there, Hagrid," she apologized. She brought the pot over, setting it on the table where the three others were seated and squeezed the cloth of excess liquid. Hagrid looked disgruntled at the sight of his yellow tea.

James let out a piercing yell. Sirius jumped. "Tough, Prongs. So what happened then?"

"Sirius!" Lily said. 

"What exactly was wrong with my tea?"

"So what happened, then, get on with it."

*

"Bagman, Rookwood and Potter were on assignment in the Forest."

The mood of the Hollow was lachrymose and humbled. There hung a sense of impending doom. Longbottom sat in a far corner strumming on a guitar a melodious pianissimo rendition of Satie's Gymnopedie. The routine caucus of the Order (though informal) was tense and hesitant. Alastor Moody was nervously fiddling with his cloak's button, as he spoke.

"And it is clear that we can now trust very little to come out of our overall investigation."

There was a cough. Frank had stopped his music and the silence was domineering. The thick, rolling fog stifled the building and masked it, and the window's latches rattled with the wind. They were discovered, Moody said. The Death Eaters had convened and Voldemort was far off in India, at some obscure southern port. Either Bagman or Rookwood had given away their whereabouts to the Dark Lord. Framed the Order's man (Potter) to look like some dark creature had devoured him without a trace. Potter was...dead. Missing. But very little hope remained; even the centaurs weren't on their side anymore.

A chair grated in the front of the small room as someone stood up, agitated. Sirius lay a calming hand on Remus and he sat back down, his gray eyes glittering disconcertingly in the dim light of lit wands.

"It is clear also," said Dumbledore, when Moody was finished, "That the Ministry could never have been trusted as we thought in the beginning. My relations with Fudge proved useless after all."

A woman in her mid thirties adjusted her woolen scarf about her and cleared her throat.

"I'm dreadfully sorry to interrupt, sir, but it seems to me nothing can be concluded until the trials--"

"Miss Sty," Dumbledore said, "I'm quite aware of your affliction with Bagman, but I'm afraid this has very little to do with sexual rendezvous and whatever little disturbance the unavoidable conviction of his will cause to your personal life-as opposed to the loss of one of our _finest_ Aurors, and a significant decline in our progress to expose Riddle's power structure!" His eyes were flashing in anger and Ethel had cowered back into her chair in fear. Many shocked faces turned from one figure to the other. Suddenly, he gave a shuddering breath.

"I'm really sorry, Ethel. Forgive me, will you?" he said at last. There was a very brief-stunned-silence.

"Of course, Albus." She smiled. Her hands unconsciously smoothed her head which was covered by the woolen garment.

"Now," he continued, "The trial is in a week. It's the earliest I could get out of Fudge. It is clear that Malfoy has some sort of personal black mail on some of our key Ministry individuals, but I'm sure with Crouch and Moody and a few others," his eyes roamed around the room, "we will have a majority vote on the jury."

"Minerva, Severus, Lily, please transfer your contact information for the next week to the others before they leave this room. Do not under any costs reveal this location to anyone and I will see you at the next meeting as we've planned." Dumbledore disappeared with a dull plop sound as the many people flocked to the three indicated figures to connect wands.

*

"James, the Death Eaters have Rookwood! There's some sort of scuffle going on! Voldemorts not here, but damnit I think he's going to turn spy!Spill all our secrets...Oh it's all a mess, come on--"

James looked around at the three figures behind him. He embraced Sirius and Hagrid and gave Lily a lingering kiss.

"I'll be back soon," he said to everyone, his forehead pressed reassuringly to Lily's.

That night, neither did James return, nor one of the three sleep. And Lily especially-for days afterward.

On one particular occasion, although, while she dozed in her break--she had a vivid dream of a snake and an arbollent healer.

* 

Lily looked rather slim, and sickly. All of the female members, and most of the male (who knew her) offered hugs and condolences. Some even had tokens and trinkets and their own humble memories of the invulnerable James Potter. Lily, although, was rigid and emotionless toward their meagre (though well-meaning) intentions. But in all she was not blamed for even Dumbledore was affected by James's death. The picture of an impersonal and big-picture pursuit of justice that he painted for Ethel Sty was now, in the face of the impossible, an unachievable ideal even to him--diehard optimist though he was. 

Lily was the last one to leave the Hollow (Remus's apartment). She visited the parseltongue next door--she'd brought him a pet boa constrictor--and an old deaf-mute hag(the landlady)--who gave her back a pair of sandals and muggle clothing she'd left in the building.

She bid both farewell with a weak smile and gave the landlady the key. Remus had gone into hiding somewhere in Africa. She was fully intending to commit suicide. Right after she fetched that damned werewolf's things for him.

Oh, and did Sirius's laundry. And Peter's paperwork. She needed some inane chores to bury herself in, but she hardly realized that such mindless work only made her think more.

Think. Of James's death. Damn it all. Everyone just fucking _died_. She was cursed. It was definitely a sign. That she had to die to put an end to the madness. Damn Sirius's laundry. She had to die, and that was way more important. She frustratedly kicked a pebble and ran all the way through the three mile distance to her current abode (which she shared with Sirius). She didn't trust herself to apparate. That would've been such a messy and prolonged way to die then. All those people trying to "save" you..how pointless.

She hurriedly prepared her rope with her wand, muttering to herself. She cursed aloud when she'd realized that she'd forgot all the knotting charms she'd learned in sixth year and threw down her wand in anger. It hit the stone stool on which she stood and splintered neatly into two pieces. She proceeded to do it the muggle way. She broke a carefully tended pinkie nail in her haste and the blood tainted the new white stiffness of the wax coated coil.

"What the _FUCK _do you think you're doing?" someone yelled frantically from the doorway. Oh screw it. She'd forgotten to close the door again. She screamed in decided agony as Sirius picked her up off the stool and set her harshly on the floor. Her struggles were feeble and worthless, although as Sirius began to lecture her (trying to over-scream her in the process).

"You!! What the hell is wrong with you, you crazy BITCH?! This is the third time today!--"

"--Then don't Black, just leave me the fuck alone! why can't you see that you're just a damned nuisance to me?! I HATE YOU! I hate, hate, hate, hate--"

"WHY didn't you just slit your wrist, then, huh? Why not sleeping pills? Avada Kedavra? Huh? Answer me Lily Evans, huh? Why the hell are you trying to ruin my--" 

"I wouldn't want to stain your plush carpet!" She glared at him, and spontaneously screamed at him as the wall behind them started to crack.

"SHUT UP!!!! I HAVE NEIGHBORS, YOU KNOW!! And I swear I'm not letting you die to leave me paying for that wandless shit you do everyday, you psychopath--" a dog howled in the distance as Lily stopped screaming. There was the hacking cough of ruptured blood vessels.

"Oh _Lily_..." Sirius said. His faced twisted and a few tears escaped his tired eyes. He embraced her frail form and she willingly subdued

She began to sob, but her throat was dry, and she ended up hacking more blood and phlegm in addition to her salty tears. Sirius summoned a pitcher and she eagerly grabbed it midway in the air and gulped it down.

"Sirius, I'm--" she sobbed again-tasting bile in her mouth. "God, I'm such a mess." But she never got to divulge further on the point, owing to the vomit splattered across Sirius's chest. 

She ran into the bathroom, retching the contents of her stomach out into the washbasin. Considering she hadn't eaten in a few days, she was quite surprised at how long that had lasted. 

When she'd finished and come outside she saw Sirius in new robes, trying to clean the carpet with some solution that was pouring out of his wand.

"So much for not staining your carpet." She smiled. He grinned back. He began to say something more, but a sudden sense of dread enveloped her. Something clicked in her mind. No. This was worse that Death. Oh, why was she so ill-favoured? No, this wasn't happening. She saw Sirius's wand.

She willed it towards her and (once it was in her hand) pointed it at herself.

"What are you doing?" she heard Sirius ask-puzzled-before the wand glowed a dangerous red. She thought: no! And she blacked out.

"Lily?" Sirius said. No answer. 

"Lily, tell me, what happened?"

"Sirius I'm--"

"What?" he said, dreading the worst.

"I have to--"

"Tell me--should I call Dumbledore? The Knight Bus?"

"No! I'm..._pregnant_."

Sirius gasped. And they looked at each other for a long moment.

And he laughed, heartily, gathering both of them in his arms and kissing Lily's forehead.

"Messing up my carpet indeed! You're out to ruin my social life, that's what. At this rate, I might as well marry you..."

Lily broke into a hysterical wail and wept for atleast an hour afterward. Sirius, on the other hand, happily plopped her on the couch and went off in search of a quill to owl everyone he knew.


End file.
